White Marble (and leaping dolphins and invisible seeds)

Posted on | June 13, 2011 | No Comments

as written November 11, 2009

Firstly – it’s Veteran’s day. And I’m thinking of my Poppy, who fought in WWII and the Korean War, who led men to fight for causes he believed in; who saved lives and lost them, and who, in the midst of atrocity and immorality – acted with respect and treated those around him with dignity. No matter what side of the war they were on. To a man who served this land for his entire life, he passed away on Veteran’s Day. I honor you, Poppy.

A couple nights ago, I couldn’t shake my craving for Adam, and so – overdue, I went through lots and lots of forgiving. Forgiving him and myself..and I felt slightly better but not tons. Yesterday, though – I felt awesome. The craving, the needing, the wanting – were just gone. He didn’t call me or text me all night and it didn’t bother me one bit. Not at all. It felt so freeing, so good, so healthy. What an answer to so many things we can’t control…releasing those emotions just helps so much.

Anyway – I was trying not to surrender to the sick thinking as I was trying to sleep (fantasies of Adam alternately wanting to be with me and telling me he wants someone else – unhealthy coping mechanisms to allow me to focus on how THAT would feel, rather than what I ACTUALLY feel in the moment), so I went inward, into my heart instead.

The Savior was waiting for me at the door to my heart. And at the entrance, it was wooded and reminded me of the Sacred Grove in New York. It was beautiful. Then it opened up, soft dirt trail and sun and breezes warming my cold hands. We walked a ways, sat in the fields admiring the view, then walked up to the Temple in my Heart. On the door, carved into the stone, was my sacred name. Name of tender mercy, of love. Of acceptance. Of invitation. I didn’t need a recommend to enter my own temple. So I walked in. The Savior waited outside. The stone was old and beautiful, white and glimmering in the sun, but with an antique-like quality to it that told me it had stood for many thousands of years. It was a small temple, more suited to me. I walked immediately to the stairs…to these narrow, marble and white granite winding staircase that led upwards. Always bathed in light from the slits carved that let in the actual sky and sun. Small staircase, and I followed up, my hand gliding along the soft stone, until I reached the top.

The Holy of Holies between my Heavenly Father and I. It was a small circular-like room, with a roof of stone but the sides were all open to the beautiful air, so it was full of sun and life and sky and wind. I could see out the windows as far as the eye could see – to mountains and forests, oceans and fields. It was beautiful up there. There was a large, scarlet colored pillow that was on the floor, where I could cuddle up and think and pray and talk to God as long as I wanted. There was an altar, a small one yet perfect – where I would lay my burdens and He would take them. Where I would make promises with God and where He would carry me when I needed. It was all white stone, with the veins of gray running through it…shimmering slightly. Windows looking out to the world of my heart, an altar, and a large plush floor cushion. Being simple, it was incredibly homey.

I could see that my tears, my sacrifices, had white-washed the stone and purified it, made this sanctuary incredibly sacred. Incredibly powerful. Incredibly important and sacred to God Himself. I could feel it. I could feel how often I had fled there, while the storms shook the world of my heart…could see myself clinging for dear life to the stone windows, where He would take me in His arms and protect me from the harshest elements. Sigh…

I walked back down and out the front door. We walked further and suddenly, Hazel and Memphis were there, and my Horse. My HORSE. He was beautiful and black with brown eyes, and a dark brown mane…nickering and prancing…I leapt upon his back and with the dogs yelping joyously at my heels we took off…racing across the land. I hardly had to hold on to become one with him. We just flew, and it was heaven…heaven.

We came across the Savior and Heavenly Father and Papa Chief waiting for me. I’m not even quite sure where we were, but they seemed to know. I got off my horse and knew what I wanted to ask Him.

I took a deep breath and said, “Can we plant the seed?”

He looked at me and smiled, a profound sense of pride and love for me overflowed through my cells…every single one of them. “Yes,” He said.

Then I got a little panicky and worried about what I had to do to take care of it…

“Can you take care of it? I can’t yet.” I asked.

“I will water it every day. You don’t need to. I will tend to it.” He promised.

I believe Him. I held out my hand and He turned His over, and into mine dropped the tiniest, smallest, seed I’ve ever seen. But it was still a seed. I knelt and pulled the earth aside with my right hand. It was dark, moist, dense, soft…perfectly ripe soil. I was amazed at how beautiful it was. How it had transformed from the parched, desert earth into this. My Gardener has done a fine job, I thought with love and appreciation. I didn’t have to dig down far, and then I dropped the tiny seed into the soil, then quickly covered it up again and patted the earth firm. I stood up, looked at Him, and He nodded to me and I knew I didn’t need to do more. That when the time came, He would lead me back to this place. He would show me. And He will help it grow in the meantime.

I looked at these three men – my Father. My Brother. And Papa Chief; my Protector…and I felt so much love from them I could barely stand it. If there were men that loved me like this, like they do…maybe other men could, too. I saw my feather, second to the right of center in Papa Chief’s headdress. He is so fierce looking, but his eyes hold only a tender and overwhelming love for me. What did I do to deserve such devotion, such love? What did I do..

I wanted to get away then and so I looked at the Savior, and thought to Him – I want to go sailing.

Suddenly we were there, on my sailboat, with the wooden deck…God at the helm, and I trusted Him implicitely. Completely. Utterly. Totally. Entirely. And He knows that. My dad was perched on the bow, one knee up against the railing, leaning back into the sail. Happy and peaceful and I wanted him there. I was on the large, cozy hammock on the deck – and Hazel was snuggled up on my right side – her face looking out across the ocean, ever protecting and guarding me. Memphis was on my left, flopped out with her head on my stomach, legs all askew, basking in the sun and in our love. Apex was alternately walking up my chest and licking my face, then wagging his tail and laying down half on me, half on Memphis. And Samson…my sweet Samson…was sitting near the bow with dad, his black tipped ears flapping in the wind, his brown eyes clear from the cataracts, his tongue wagging as that grouchy but well-loved dog sailed on with me.

And I closed my eyes, and felt the sun, felt the love of the spirits around me, the trust I had in the Savior to steer me where He thought I needed to go…the water bright turquoise blue and splashing up refreshing my skin…dolphins leaping in the waves next to the boat…

I fell asleep.
Held.
Loved.
and Protected.

Sailing on the ocean of my heart.

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