The Museum

Posted on | November 23, 2011 | No Comments

as written August 11, 2010

Jen: I need to put myself first, you’re right, on my weekends off. I really feel like I could scream. It feels like my heart is too…crowded! Not just my weekends. What do I do about that?

Monica: Great observation. Your heart is too crowded, because…IT IS. After coming to the realization that you need you time, anything you do to the contrary will feel not quite right; ”property”; divided from self. It’s true in some ways, once you’ve listened to what your heart needs and wants and deserves, then anything not in line with that will make you feel off kilter.

What do you do? You peel it back until you give yourself what your heart wants. For me, telling the men “No, I’m not spending time with you,” was a more painful betrayal than it was to betray myself. Which is why I kept betraying myself and what I needed, to spend time with them and stay out of my own junk. It will keep being this way until the pain of betraying yourself has finally outweighed the pain of (the perceived, not necessarily true) betraying them.

Invite no one into your inner sanctum except yourself. And if there are others there, crowding you? Shoo them out. Literally visualize yourself escorting them out kindly, with many thanks and appreciation. On a soul level, they utterly understand this. Once you visualize this on a spiritual level, the behaviors of being more strict with your YOU time will follow much more easily. Escort them out until it’s just you…and your behaviors will soon follow. Of course, if you don’t – the pain will simply become greater until you do. We have learned this, haven’t we, sister!

Your museum inside your heart is at overflowed capacity. You can’t even SEE the organized piles of artwork/heartwork that needs to be done through all the men/love/family/kids/loneliness/issues. Call in your security to escort them out! If you feel you aren’t strong enough to, that’s why you have your museum security staff. All dolled up in black special ops uniforms with glocks (if necessary)…but they are there for YOU. Your own Boundary Guard. And they’ve been getting lazy – eating all the junk food at the museum cafe and haven’t been utilized in a while, letting everyone slide by wayyyyy past closing time. Maybe it’s time to sound your alarm…

The troops are waiting. Your heart is waiting. God…is waiting. I love you.

Jen: Monica, my dear, you couldn’t be more RIGHT!! No truer words were ever spoken. That’s why I love you!  You tell me what I already know I need to do to cut through the crap, but when it comes from you, it is a little more credible :) I need to clear everyone out of my head and heart so that I can process and figure out what I WANT in my heart…or who, if anyone. I think that the loneliness gets to me, so I have filled it up with “not-serious-but-still-energy-consuming relationships.” This is my pattern to avoid dealing with my own stuff. I complain about it, but then I continue to allow it. I just truly have some men in my life whom I love and I don’t want them NOT to be there, but there comes a point when a casual “friendship” turns into something more, and that’s where I’m at. I just want to know what God wants me to do, and I can’t get a clear read on His will because of the chaos in my life.

I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE THESE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO FIT INTO MY LIFE! That is what it all boils down to…
I love you! I miss you, too!  Call me when you can.

Monica: Will do. And in the meantime – shut down visiting hours. Put the guards to work. Clear out the chaos so you can finally FEEL who and what you want in there with you. But starting from empty is the way we figure that out. I’m proud of you. I love you. I’ll call you later. But…if you point that glock at me I’ll take you down, woman. :)

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