The Burnt Fields

Posted on | December 8, 2016 | No Comments

as written November 7, 2013


I asked the question, “Where in my heart has this trial been?” and instantly the imagery appeared: An endless vast field, burnt to the ground. The haze of orange fire on the horizon, smoke choking the sky and searing my lungs, driving my body to the ground. The sharp, pale, knife-like remnants of the grass on the field strike upward, piercing skin and bare feet, anything exposed. The field was harvested and it was time for the burn. I cannot see any other living thing, I cannot see anything other than this – no tree, no swell in land or mountain, no running water, nothing. Just an endless, flat, burnt plain that I couldn’t find my way off of. In my own heart, I was lost.

It was a place I had never been before. I had wandered far from my comforting places; from the grassy knoll and Tree of Life and Phoenix Forest and the Temple in my Heart and the Dock and Sailboat and Seas. I guess that when I left Utah, I also started traveling in my heart. And I ended up there, lost and afraid, in a place that has long scared me.

As I sit quietly in the oppressive but receding heat, the heavy wet silence makes my heart pound in my ears. I’m kneeling, my hands pushed into the earth. A rich, loamy earth that I sink into and that is surprisingly cool to the touch, despite the recent fires. My skin is blackened and crusted, scabbed and bleeding at the seams. I am dirty and covered in soot and ash, as it rains softly like gray snow from the opaque sky. I try to stay still, and breathe. Even if it’s chemical-laden and harsh on the lungs, I breathe. In between my hands I notice green shoots poking through all around. Tender, soft tendrils of new life. They are small, but I can see baby grass all around me as I lift my head. As the sky turns more gray than black, I also see that the earth has risen up around me gently, like a low war trench. Swallowed me in, like a protective barrier. “She will rise up to protect you when necessary,” I recall God telling me years back. Even so, I am mauled from the experience and feel like my bones have melted away, singed and bound by scar tissue to the earth. I am okay with this, for the moment…it is all the strength I have, anyway, just to kneel here tethered and tied down.

But in the quiet of the daze, I hear it. Footsteps, from behind me and to the left. Coming closer, slowly and with purpose. Stepping softly, purposefully. I know it is Him, and I am glad He is here. I have felt abandoned by Him and caught unawares in this blaze; like a trap set for unsuspecting prey. But I will not hide from Him, I am just so grateful He comes. My tears start, stinging as they meet the cuts down my face and carving track lines through the soot. But I let Him see me. I do not fear Him.

Lili, He says…and I know I am found. I am here, now. I was never far, always watching, always protecting you from the excess. “I know,” I whisper back, unmoving. “But I am undone. I have nothing left to offer, and no more strength to stand. I do not know what this place is or why you led me here. I am just trying to survive it. I am trying to heal from it. But I cannot do that without you. But I am afraid of needing you because I know I tried to make you come and rescue me from this place…so I am afraid to ask you now.”

I know, my sweetest one.

I begin to sob, my body shaking and weak, tears splashing down my face and neck and the ground. “I am empty of everything. I kneel before you, Lord. But I am afraid that I will never be able to stand, again. Or rid myself of this infirmity. Or live the way I want to live. Or have the freedom and joy of health, once again. I’m sorry I do  not rise to greet you, but…I cannot move. I am sorry.”

The dark lords of the world tortured me here within an inch of my own sanity. Diving and shrieking and tearing me apart. But they are gone, now…most likely because I was a pecked scarecrow, too far gone to be of any use. Or maybe…they just couldn’t kill my spirit inside…who has given me strength. And the protection I have sometimes felt. Sometimes.

I am God, His voice raises, and nothing is done unto my children save that I prepare the way for them – and that I have power over all who enter in at that place. Even those who do not bring light. They cannot instill any darkness that was not there to begin with, somewhere inside of you. And it is was that darkness that needed to be addressed, needed to come to the surface. Look at you, my child…the darkness is now on the outside of your skin. It is no longer inside of you – you let it out. You made the choice to set it free, and I am here because it was me who you called, my love. Me, and no other. My name, whom you believed on, my name, you called. My name, you put your faith, trust, reliance, energy, and hope on. And this is why I am here.

It is time, my sweet. The fire is extinguished, the deed accomplished. This field needed to be bathed in fire, and you were here to tend to it. And I am here to heal you from it and lead you on. I know you struggle to believe that this could be so, but your imperfect faith is sufficient – because you know my grace will make up the rest. That I do not require perfect faith…only all you have. And you have given this to me every day for the duration of this trial. I accept what you have to give, knowing you have given me the rest. Oh, how I love you, Monica Rai…the Champion of my Heart. You did not flee, you remained here in your heart, in this wretched place – until I came for you. Such faith you have in me, such Love…I bless you for it and because of it. You prove to me your obedience in every facet of your life. Please know that I see this, that I accept it, that I honor you for it. Come, my love. Let us do what it needed…

And the Lord of all the Earth takes a step closer, and just His presence cools the burns on my body. With his hands held up towards me, every inch that he traces leaves healing in its place. All over my back the healing happens…the burns dry up and flake off, the skin turns from red to pink to soft white. And then He brushes the soot off, and says to me, “In my name, even Jesus Christ…Lili, I ask you to stand.”

And with shaking legs and hands, naked and afraid…but willing, I stand.

He passes his hands over the rest of me. Down my legs. My shoulders, neck and arms. My hands, torso, thighs, calves, and feet. Finally, He puts his hands on my face and bids me look at Him. “Eyes up, Monica. Those are your own words to yourself, and now, mine to you.”

So I cry and cry and lift my eyes to His. And…He heals me. My burnt and naked scalp grows fresh skin, and my hair and eyebrows and eyelashes start growing back. The rains come from the heavens and wash the soot away, a cleansing, brightening, purifying, lightening rain. I feel the sun on the back of my eyelids and feel God put a robe gently around my shoulders. I feel His strength hold me up in my physical weakness, reminding the muscles and nerves and veins and organs and cells and blood and sinews and bones and systems that He is God over all. That they can sustain me and bear me. Reminding them of their original purpose and place, and giving them the power to accomplish it. He steps to my side and takes my hand, and I know He wants us to walk.

Beyond this field I will be loved just as much as I was while I was here. Beyond this field I will be stronger, more humble and grateful than ever before. Beyond this field…is a fear of something worse. So that is why He walks with me today, He will walk me to where is next. To show me that I need not be afraid. “No more fear, Lili…you are bigger than your fears and I am bigger than all,” He smiles down at me. My feet feel mired in the earth, deep and heavy. But I breathe. I lift my eyes. And I speak…

“I will follow you. Lead me from this place.”

And with his gentle pull, I lift first my right foot, and then my left. I step up out of the embankment and look back. Deep imprints in the earth are quickly filled with water, dirt, and sand. New shoots of green spring up where I stood upon them, unafraid to reach for the light. And we walk. One step at a time, and each movement feels weak and strong all at once. Each movement feels better than the last. Each movement feels like Hope. Soon, He is not pulling me. Soon, I am walking with Him. And I don’t look back. As we walk, He speaks…

Monica Rai, I bless you with the gift of forgetfulness, that you might be distracted from the past symptoms and obsession with the focus on your receding illness. I bless you with laughter, and with good food you will be unafraid to consume. I bless you with piety, that you might feel deeply the circumstances of your brethren and that you will reach out to them as they have to you – so that you might emulate My love as has been shown to you. I bless you with Hope, and deeply felt Joy, and a consistent happiness that what you are doing is right in My eyes, and that you are indeed, exactly where I want you to be. I bless you to know that where your heart is, there will your treasure be.

I bless you to know that your home is where you are, not where the home is. I bless you to feel at home wherever it is you are; to feel the deep forgiveness of allowing old patterns and energy to depart, and this new healing energy to permeate everything you see. I bless you to see with new eyes, eyes that have been touched by Me. I bless you to follow through with these works, that I will guide you each step of the way for each of them. I bless you that you will see great miracles take place in your life and in those lives of whom you love. I bless you that things will move very quickly, and that you will rely on your humility and faith in me above all to tell you all things which you should do.

I bless you that your body will remember its full and vigorous health more quickly than you can imagine, that she will thrive and build up her strength and assist others in ways she never through she could. I bless you to be whole, to be wise, to be giving, to be like Me. I bless you to be aware that fears are lies, and that they cannot staunch the work of God in these latter-days. I bless you to know that this trial opened up your heart even more…when you look back on this place it will not be what it has been. It has been cleaned in the blood of the lamb, sacrificed by yours, sanctified…by Mine. You have bled for me, my sweet, sweet Lili….our Monica Rai.

I bless you to continue to let the work of HOYH go forth, touching lives and sweeping across the land. It is a marvelous work and wonder, and I stand at the head of it. I, even God, am grateful to have you to accomplish it with. It is one of the reasons you were born, you were made to do this and are capable of every facet of its creation and continuation and expansion. I bless you to know those that will come into your life are meant to – that you will know without doubt and immediately those who are sent by me and those who are not wise. You will trust your soul and spirit and that is greater than any who would demand your obedience other than I.

I bless you to be forthright in communication and in deed and in word. Do not move so quickly in the joy of being well that you lose your conscientiousness. I bless you to love and to accept love on deeper levels than you ever have been able to, before. This has opened you up, my love…it has not shut you down. I bless you to know that the trauma of your experiences will never overwhelm you again, that I carry them – not you. Their weight has been lifted, and with more time you will be able to look back and see them as facts and opportunities, not terror and fear.

I bless your body in all that it stands in need of. I bless you to lean into your healing that has happened this day, instead of being afraid of it. Let your heart be your guide. I bless you to be vulnerable, to take risks and to follow the promptings that you will feel daily. You are a sharpened tool and I need you – you are capable and you are ready. I bless you to know that I never abandoned you, and I bless you to know that I forgive you of needing me unrighteously. I forgive you for doing this imperfectly, and I bless you in every gap of your faith and bigger than any fear – that I am here. I am God.  I love you. And I save you. Even so, even in my name, even Jesus Christ, Amen!

And so, I walk with God. Away from this place, leaving it healed and whole. Leaving me…

healing, and whole.


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