Sparse Are The Hearts
Posted on | November 27, 2011 | 1 Comment
as written August 14, 2010
I love my yoga instructor, Emily. This petite young woman who led us in practice for the last time before the birth of her child. She’s so small so her belly is enormous, and yet she still kicks my ass. Endless chumarunga’s and push ups and planks and poses that had me sweating like a fool. I love her relationship to the body, to energy, and her willingness to share it with us. Please bless her, her family, and her upcoming birth.
It felt so good to stretch my body and reach and pull and muscles trembling and feeling the strength and beauty of this vessel. It’s been two weeks since I’ve practiced, and I could feel it. My body loves this exercise, and I’m so grateful to have found it and the healing and growth and power it brings to me as I continue to learn to center, balance, surrender into, release, and fulfill.
During meditation at the end, I faced the new season of my life. The Savior standing on my left, holding my hand, my Mother on my right doing the same. Behind me stood my Abba, his strong hands on my shoulders. And we looked ahead of us, having arrived. Standing on the precipice of “Attraversiamo” (…the Italian word from ‘Eat Pray Love’ meaning, “Let’s Cross Over”).
Ahead of us, as we have stopped walking to arrive there…now we wait for free agency and choice of others. Honesty leads to no regrets, and I have walked each step of my journey towards this, and I am okay being still, knowing I am here. Knowing I am. Regretting nothing. Still a little afraid in my heart, but not enough to not try. Not enough to not put myself out there once again. Not enough not to be vulnerable.
There is a slight haze, like the heat of a summer sun on the cement…rising up. Blurring the images of the two men that stand in front of me. One of them steps forward, and offers his hand, palm facing the heavens…asking for me to put mine in his. And I take one step forward, and slide my hand into his. I can’t see his face yet. I do not know which one it will be. But it will be up to him. Each is good. Each one is approved of He who guides my life. And they smile in joy as I feel mine. As I see my children playing not far behind.
And we turn to survey the path I have walked, the vast expanse of earth and land and heart that has lived thousands of years in just a few. What beauty I saw; the fields, the forests, the skies, the gardens, the plants and animals and all that is living and is life. Then we turn back around, and I feel the love.
Abba?
I am sitting in this place, knowing you are God. Knowing I have obeyed, I have been imperfect, and I have also loved myself, but as always – I never stopped trying. I will always try. I will always be the seeker I have been, I don’t know how to be anything else but this. I am ready to love, and I am ready to BE loved, to be seen, to embark upon this new season knowing who I am, that I am ever evolving and continuing onward, ever onward. I am ready for what’s next. I surrender into what comes. I trust my heart will lead me and give me the answers I need, so that my body and spirit will continue in tandem and in partnership and understanding and love…until one day I stand again before You.
Please bless these men, Abba. Bless them both with strength, humility, clarity, courage, forgiveness, and ability to love themselves so that as they do so they can forgive me my faults, imperfects, and increasing need for Grace. Help them in the ways they most need, in which ways only you know their hearts. I trust you with them. I trust you. I trust my heart. I ask for these things, I surrender these things, I pray for these things humbly, patiently (trying), hopefully…in the name of the one in whom I have all faith, even Jesus Christ, amen.
The door will knock, oh sunflower of mine, and you will answer it. You will hear it in the quiet of the night, and it will be clear to your ears, and even more clear to your heart. It will be good, and you will feel it. Allow yourself to be loved, as you stand free of anyone and anything…having surrendered your needs from them to me…you can finally see.
You are able to be yourself, create yourself, remember yourself in ways you never before have been able to. The growth that awaits in a relationship will astound you, and I am excited myself to see it and watch it unfold. Sparse are the hearts that allow this kind of transformation, and how I love you, my bright Lily. How I love you. All the time in the world, and this next world knocks at your door. Do not be afraid to answer it, for I am on both sides of every door. There is none to fear, my holy and sacred sweet. Here, I usher this in. Allow the wave to lift you off your feet, knowing you cannot drown, knowing I command the seas, knowing you are protected and adored…cherished for always. I am the grounding force in your life, your body, your heart…so let yourself fly, because I am your rock. I love you. I am here, as always, forever.
Abba and your whole, beautiful, countless family.
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January 19th, 2012 @ 11:11 am
it just hit me at I read the last part of this.. I have always had an intense fear of drowning…but its not that at all! i have never had stability, a rock, something to ground me. Not in my parents, not in the friends I’ve chosen over the years, not in my relationships, not in my husband. Recovery is teaching me that I cannot drown when the Savior is my rock! I want to be fearless, but I am scared. i will keep trying.