Second Sunday Miracle
Posted on | August 13, 2010 | No Comments
as written June 29, 2008
I went to church with Debbie and Frank. Stayed all 3 hours. It was so hard, there was a lot of anxiety. But I took the sacrament and could feel the healing, atoning, forgiving energy and light of Christ permeate through my body. I spent the afternoon with their whole family, and felt really comfortable with them all. They asked me questions and I told them about me. Mikey stayed downstairs watching TV most of the time, but I knew he was listening.
As I was leaving, he said he wanted to talk to me for a minute. So he walked me to my car and it just started spilling out…his struggle with seeing my pain but knowing he can’t betray Brent’s confidence, and how he hates to see me in pain, how he didn’t wan to let me in.
And then, for the next three hours, Mikey talked – he opened up his heart and his pain and shared it all with me. He cried and cried as he talked about his brother, his dad, his family, his addictions, his fears, his self-hatred, his abandonment and loneliness. His eyes were so clear, and I felt how sacred it all was – I could feel God himself and see inside this amazing boy. He trusted me enough to open up to me, and to share things he’s never talked about with anyone, ever in his life. I could hardly get a word in edgewise when he would break in with something else that he needed to get out. It was so powerful and profound, it truly was one of the most singular, sacred, and unforgettable moments of my entire life.
He found it crazy that I was the one he was opening up to – and I can understand that. But he is so isolated right now – can’t tell his family everything, doesn’t have his Ranch brothers, and is trying to abstain from girls and the attention they pay him. So he is completely alone…and then there’s me. I’m so grateful to have been chosen to be the one who could share this with him. I felt so much love for him, and understood a little of the severity of his pain, pressure, isolation, loneliness, and deep-rooted foundation of worthlessness and shame.
When he is ready to deal with the real and deep pain, then he will be ready for recovery again. He told me he felt better already. And then, at the end, I started talking again. I talked about some things that I thought were already dealt with, but the pain that came with them was very real. He asked me if I thought that Brent was only around because he needed me to get him a car. And man the waterworks started. Yes, that had crossed my mind, and my decision to do it anyway and give up my only “leverage” to have him need me would negate his need for me entirely. If that’s not recovery, I don’t know what is. Anyway, the experience of seeing him open up was one of the most sacred of my entire life. I am so grateful he trusted me enough to share himself with me.
And after the space had cleared inside me, I drove home under the cloud of descending darkness I could no longer hide from…
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