My Withdrawals

Posted on | August 16, 2010 | No Comments

as written July 3, 2008


…When Brent doesn’t have anything to hide, he doesn’t get upset or angry or shut down. Simple as that. Now, though…he knows what real love is and feels like. He knows what real happiness is. He knows what it’s like to see into eternity and see me standing there. He knows what it is to have a spiritual connection and relationship. He knows what it feels like to be sober, and loyal. With me. Whatever he chooses to do, he will never be able to escape that he knew love with me. As I drove home from the Trouts, somehow I had come to a place safe enough where I could feel the truth.

I moved from denial into shock as I felt the wave crash over me –

Brent was still cheating on me.

The denial split wide before me as I crumbled into the truth; without being told, without confession, without doubt.

My body literally died…I woke up the next morning to find that my heart had taken its limit, and had spilled literal acid all through my body. Knives grinding into my bones and joints – passing out, dry heaving, intense nausea, weakness, hot flashes, cold flashes, trembling, shaking – lungs that coughed up nasty bile and rejection and dead pieces of tissue and flesh…I was dying. Dead matter spewed from my body like it had rejected life itself.

The Woman said I was literally withdrawing from opiates. Brent is my drug, and he had been removed, and I was literally going through physical heroin withdrawals (since opiates fill me when I am with him). For the first time in my life, I could not function at all. I became completely incapacitated for the entire week – I didn’t work, I couldn’t eat a thing – my body refused to take in any kind of nourishment and strength.

I asked him to come over Monday night and confronted him. He would not confess much, but I knew. He left after he said he couldn’t touch or kiss me because he felt guilty that he wants other women. That he takes other girls on dates. That they know he is married.

Thursday night I was in such a horrible place that I gave in and called him again. To assuage my uncontrollable despair, Brent told me that he loved me and was going to work on us – but the next day he told me that he lied and only said that because I was in a bad place and didn’t want to live anymore.

My sentences are as disjointed as my heart. Exploded from the whole, wandering around oblivious to the existence of the others. Like I’m a pseudo split-personality; unable to cope all in one piece so we’ve been hewn into parts in order to continue breathing.

I went to dinner with him and he was shocked at how beautiful I was. He said he forgets. He says he’s not ready to talk about the cheating but fuck that! I know and I’m ready to hear! He wouldn’t offer anything but I asked questions and he has hooked up with I don’t know how many girls, dated them and had sex with at least one.

He said, “I tried to do everything I could to forget you, but I just can’t forget you.” He can’t root me out. That is hell – after you let someone in, you can never erase them. Brent will never be able to erase me, no matter how hard he tries. He still doesn’t know what he wants and he left me without even watching the fireworks. With me.

He had called me earlier to say that “I need to talk to my wife. You are the only one who I can tell this to, you are the only one who really knows me.” But he changes in a heartbeat and I cannot feel MY heart beat…he made choices sober…choices he had control over…to fuck other women. How do I live…how do I keep breathing…why does he hate me so…why does he hate himself so…why does this never end.

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Category: Brent, Feelings That are Horrible but Honest, Stuff I still want to withhold, The Deadliest Disease

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