My Backstage Counsel – The Finale

Posted on | April 21, 2011 | No Comments

as written from June 26 through July 7, 2009

I spent more than a week at home in Boston, taking an amazing book-making class from an incredible artist with my mother, basking in laughter with friends and family, and also taking the engagement pictures of my sister and her fiance. It was a vacation as well as an opportunity for more growth in many ways.

In light of all that has happened (thus far), a still, small voice reminds me of something. Years ago, 2003 to be exact – I moved back from Massachusetts to Utah. I did not want this. I did not ask for it. And yet, it was something that kept scratching from the inside, and I was pretty much forced to look at it and listen. At that time in my life, I had spent a few years back in the arms of family, friends, and church healing from the deep pain I had experienced in my first two years of college. I was happy, there – having carved out a new life. But quickly, and (I felt) mercilessly, those I loved around me were removed from my life, one by one – on to their respective journey’s. And during the journeying on of my closest friends and family, I felt the tug towards my own carpet bag hidden deep in the closet. And the destination was clear: back to Utah.

I abhorred this idea. Why go back to the place where I lost everything and so many bad things had happened? WHY? But I was not given that answer. I was given the prompting, and that was all. So that is what I went on. Two days after Christmas 2002, I packed all I owned in my purple 1994 Honda Civic (Raquel), and drove across the country back to Utah. Where I knew no one. Where I hadn’t been accepted into school again (yet). Where I would start on an empty slate and create something from the white expanse of frightened opportunity. And – I did it. But not before one more piece of peace from above helped me to follow through: I read a verse. And then, a few more – and felt it speak directly to my tremulous self.

Now, years later, I am changed again, my back cover on some of the past has been sewn into my being. Another chapter passed through, new novels to write and to partake in. This is what I loved about this week:

The sound of the wind through the trees; 1000 Islands zen room; green winds and soft chimes. Beach, stone, and sand brought home with me from Wingaersheek Beach. Color and breath, voices and revelation. Creation of the emerging me. I have been loved. I have been loved. Time with my mother. My sister. My father. My sweet little 4 pound Apex; who looked at me and the love flowing from his oversized eyeballs just knocked my over. Photo’s of Katrina and Luis’ deepening and anticipatory love, and capturing it on camera (765 times). Silver lining of Sadness – Brent and grieving Little Jacob, feeling his eyes on me most of the week, he having things to say. Women in the group, so different and yet so deep, music and words. Fireworks and Independence Day once again. Pounding the piano to Titanic with Katrina on the flute; feeling the power of my hands and the skill they still possess. Music in the home; Cumorah’s hill and guitars and voices and love. ARP: “reconciling my testimony with my behavior” article in the Ensign on addiction, and realizing my still being blessed because of promises made – not cut off because of covenants (like I thought) but still enfolded in His mercy, as I am right now. Thought atonement followed after you did a “bad” thing and had to tell the Bishop. I didn’t know it was a pure, endless grace. I shared this with Brent too, when he called that night. Walking Apex late at night, always with my Guard. The products of my creation this week. ”Trombles” and all Right Brain-ed-ness. Mary Magdalene…interesting. Anna time and her first born, Cameron Oaks, “The GPS says nice 80′s pants and nice mom haircut!”

I am changed again. And as I start again start again start again, the words come:

My Backstage Counsel – The Finale

Comments

Pages

Read the story from the beginning…

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Archives

Get the button, share the love