Jen: I caught myself up this morning, reading everything you have written since I was last at my computer, and I am just overwhelmed with the urge to scream “WTF!!!” Why can’t he just open up his heart??? Why can’t his head and mouth say what’s really in his heart? And if, on the off-chance, he IS saying what is really in his heart, why does it sound so mechanical and insincere? Why can’t it be the END? Why can’t we just all move on and leave his closed, disconnected heart in the dust??!!

So, what I have to say, is that this obviously triggers my remaining issues, rejection, abandonment, fear of wanting something I can’t have, am not going to have, IN SPADES. So I am not a good resource for inspiration at this point, but what I do have to offer is a sounding board, compassion, validation. I absolutely think and believe and know that you have been right to follow your heart and the spiritual guidance you continue to receive, and you are right to continue to do that. If it doesn’t feel final, then it isn’t, even though I want you to move on and leave him behind you. The pain will pass, perhaps many times. But it will pass. I just get the sense that dust needs to settle, and things will open before you, and your path will be clear. Acceptance will be the key, and will soften any and all blows. Please know that I completely validate your feelings of disappointment and let down and confusion and pain!  Your courage and bravery are greater than most of us can even fathom! Your ability to act out of inspiration continually leaves me in awe…

Monica: Part of me thinks he spoke from his head, and that he was relieved to do so because he just NEEDED to prove to himself that he COULD say no. That he COULD not give me what I want, to validate his own increasing ability to say “No.” Part of me thinks he needed to experience that for reasons only God knows. It was like he was expecting me to say what I said, and that there was relief that he had an “answer” to respond with. Like he was proud of himself…

I did not feel his heart in his responses, but I felt his comfort he felt in his emerging ability to set boundaries with everyone and everything. To not simply appease to please. This is an important step for all of us seeking to be more healthy.

However – I didn’t FEEL him through it. Head talk. Not heart talk. I think he was relieved not to FEEL what I was asking. I don’t know if he WANTS to feel it. Because, like I said – what he SAID doesn’t match up with his behaviors toward me the last year. There’s something missing, here. There is no aligning…if that makes sense. The pieces don’t fit, yet.

But I’m tired of trying to analyze him out. I’m tired of feeling like Gigi in “He’s just not that into you,” where she spends her life analyzing “signs” that tell her a man loves her despite his inability to simply TELL HER HOW HE FEELS. I want to be done investigating his journey, expending and extolling energy and heart and emotions about him.

For some reason – I feel like despite my discomfort and pain, that this was ACTUALLY how it was supposed to play out. That exactly what needed to happen did, in fact, happen. That he needed to do it this way for…some reason I don’t know and can’t fathom. How messed up is THAT? I swear, I freaking HATE being the one that helps other people say “NO.” Seriously. Fine, my self-worth can take it and I learn things each time but FOR THE LOVE let’s be DONE WITH IT!!!!

It’s like he needs me to move on to release him of the uncomfortableness to face his own emotions about me and his own fears. Like, if I’m dating someone else then POOF! he’s free of it. And bottom line? If it comes out mechanical and not equally mixed with emotions from your heart, it IS NOT EMOTIONAL HONESTY. All the truth wasn’t there. Head-talk is not all he is capable of. He IS capable. He’s just still…I don’t know.

I feel, too, that the dust just needs to settle. But this much I do know – I hate how I feel today. I hate how I felt yesterday. And I’m tired of it all. Weary and weary and more weary. I don’t WANT to worry about it/hope for it/pain for it ANY MORE. Even if it’s not done, even if there’s more…

I don’t want to be the one responsible for keeping it going. So – I hand over the reigns. To him and God. No more looking for “signs,” no more being so acutely aware of everything he says and does and who he’s with. I wash my hands of it. I am powerless over my love for him, over his responses, over all of him. And I give all this to God. I have done what has been asked, what I have been capable of and willing to do. I just don’t want to do any more.

God, I hate grief today.

Jen: I think that it is absolutely fair true to say that you HAVE done everything you’ve been asked, and that the next crucial, important part of the process is for you to give it over to God and let it go, as you have. Turn away, move forward with your life, expecting nothing more from Adam. The conversation with him wasn’t the end-all. But it was the LAST thing you are going to be asked to go out on that damn limb and do, with regard to him. True healing and moving forward comes from handing over the reigns, admitting you are powerless over it, like you said. For some reason, the words ”turning away” from it keep coming to mind. If the Lord wants you to turn around again, He will make that unmistakably clear. But, somehow, you turning around and moving forward seems just as important as the conversation this weekend, in the whole process. It will facilitate you moving on and healing, and it will facilitate….whatever comes next for you…and Adam.

Yes, I completely agree that you no longer need to analyze and agonize over him and his process, his pain, his growth. THAT is not something you are needed for, any longer. You have learned all you need to from that. No more.  That takes too much of your time and energy, which can be better spent healing YOUR heart and carrying it forward.  Strangely, I feel that HE will benefit from you turning away and letting go just as much as YOU will. Somehow he needs to feel you doing that.

You are right, the depth of his emotional honesty is not really important, at this point. It’s his problem, and is no reason for you to hang on any longer. In fact, it is another excellent reason to NOT hang on. If he is not operating from that place, it is time to stop waiting for the Adam that COULD be and accept that this Adam is missing something important in the realm of emotional honesty, right now. Again I ask myself this question, as much as you or anyone else…Why do we need to hang on for what someone COULD be or COULD give?  They have their agency, and just may choose not to be it or give it! We don’t need to hang on in case they change their minds, and wait for them to get there, do we? I guess, only if the Lord tells us to. But YOU have your agency, and it’s not wrong to say “It is no longer healthy for me to wait for you, Adam.” Your hands are clean, Monica. You’ve done all you can and all that is left is to let go, which is as important as everything else you have done, if not more so.   I can’t shake the feeling of how important that truth is.

In the meantime, it feels shitty, and hurts, and the ache is undeniable…but as you let go and move through it, it will diminish! Joy is in your near future, and it will seem all the sweeter for this pain you are in, now.

Monica: The hard part for me – is that letting go is not stopping loving. I always had that idea in my head that one couldn’t come without the other…but the truth is even though I have power over choosing to let go, I do not have power over how I love him. I can simply hand over BOTH. Which I am in the process of doing.

Here’s what I don’t want, what I just realized. Part of my hesitation in not wanting to let go is the fear that he will turn around and want me, but then I won’t feel that it’s right, anymore. And my basis for this fear is experience. Both with Jason (before Brent)…then Brent…then Mikey. With all of them, I let go. Only to then be faced with their expression of love for me – but in hearing their love for me (what I had been DYING and WANTING so terribly much) I was promptly hit in the face with the overwhelming and undeniable feeling that IT WAS NO LONGER RIGHT. And so I would be the one to say no at that juncture. And I am afraid of that happening again. I suppose I just need to validate that fear, and know that every relationship is different, and the pattern of one (or many) doesn’t determine the outcome of all.

Again – each time this happened seemed like some twisted divine trick, some horrible game the God’s were playing with me. She wants him! But he says no! She hurts like hell and let’s him go! Then he feels his feelings and wants her! Give her a respite, a happy ending? HELL NO! This is too much fun! Let’s tell her heart it’s no longer right, because SHE ALWAYS LISTENS TO HER HEART! And this will entertain us for EOONNNSSSSS! Ha. I write that, but I also feel and know that’s completely untrue. Blah.

Here’s what I feel – I feel like he’s WAITING for me to let go. To usher in whatever’s next for both of us. But it won’t happen until I let go. Lame. And profound. And…true. Just as I have been waiting for him, he has been waiting for me…

Wo. No idea what THAT means…

Jen: Okay, so loving and moving on are not mutually exclusive. We can roll with that. If the love is not going to be fulfilled, I believe that God will take it from you, and relieve you of it. And YES, every relationship is different! The outcome may seem similar to our limited perspectives, but from the eternal perspective, each one is sacred and meaningful in different ways. Hard to let go when there is still love, but surrender and acceptance is the ultimate gift you can give someone you love…in this case, yourself AND Adam! This is sacred ground…Monica. I honor you for treading on it…

And so, I told him.

This morning, after I had spent the night. After the first night in two years where he didn’t touch me as I lay next to him, but instead held me, tenderly and with both arms wrapped around me. After spending a couple hours at Smitty’s where that insignificant blond talked to him in every corner, and where he would walk away after I would come near.

There is a tear on my left cheek that sits; suspended and unmoving. Frozen in a pain that I wish with everything I am that I did not have to feel.

I do not want to write this. But I must. To see it out in black and white, to empty it from my heart and into the great cauldron of experience and emotional honesty.

I told him – how he came waltzing back into my heart, after Abba allowed this to happen. How when I opened myself up to the possibility of a relationship, he was there standing first in line. And how I needed to honor that, and make myself vulnerable and tell him, once again how I felt. And I did. I told him all of it. How I still loved him and wanted him. How I could not even consider the possibility of someone else without first validating my feelings for him. How I would not be able to give all my heart to another before first honoring it was still his. How it took great courage to be vulnerable in front of him, without an expectation of reciprocation of any kind.

And he, with much business-like acceptance, said how much that made sense. And then proceeded to talk and talk, without much feeling but with an all-in-my-head-like crispness that he was not in a space to respond in kind.

He was not unkind, but simply matter-of-fact. He talked about the many spaces he’s been in this past year as well as seeing and watching my journey unfold from his still conscious ability to see like I do. About how in every relationship he’s ever been in (family, friends, as well as romantic relationships) he’s never put himself first, always conceding to others needs before his own. And despite the comments he’s received by those who simply want the best for him, he feels he’s in a good space as he is, and more than anything doesn’t want to push himself to be somewhere where he isn’t. He talked about how he is learning to just be, and not to pressure himself into things he’s not ready for right now.

He told me how courageous and brave it was of me to tell him how I felt, and how “Brave is everything that you are and that you live from.” He told me how excited he was for me to move past this space and into the one I was talking about. He told me he loved me very much, but wasn’t going to say to wait for him because that would put undue pressure on us both. How simply allowing things to keep moving was where he was learning to become comfortable, even if that meant things like this.

I asked him if he even had the desire to be with me. He said yes….BUT. Since he didn’t have that desire NOW, in this moment, he wasn’t going to dwell on it, or keep the possibility of me at arm’s length (which he HAS done, though!) in an attempt to control. He basically was just rolling with the punches I guess.

Here was the kicker: I asked him, “So you are okay letting the opportunity of being with me pass?” And he said, “Yes.”

There was nothing else for me to say. I wasn’t going to try and make him feel different. I wasn’t going to try and call him out on things that still did not make sense, or matched with how he behaves sometimes or what I have felt come from him, or things that have come from God pertaining him. It wasn’t called for for me to do so, and so I said no more, except to thank him for his honesty. And he thanked me for hearing him out.

I asked him if his feelings changed, would he even tell me? He said he absolutely would. He said that it was still hard to do this, this situation – for a variety of reasons, (not one of which was that it was hard to let me go.)

I held the feelings at bay, knowing I did not want to show them in their entirety. I stayed dry-eyed and battled the encroaching pain until I left.

Before I left, I tried joking. Saying how the thought of not sleeping with him sucked balls. He asked, “Sleeping with me, or having sex with me?” And I said both. Then somehow, I’m not sure how, we embarked on a discussion of still sleeping with each other. He talked of his integrity, how he would spend a lifetime of not touching me that way if it would hurt me in any way, and because it was so important for him for me to know that he was not just any guy – that he didn’t have to have that, and that he has to care for someone deeply in order to share that part of himself. I know this about him. He kept going about how attracted he was to me, but if he could never have me again he’d just use the memories of the past two years with me to do the job himself. It was funny in the moment, because it validated many things, but as I write it it just makes me cry. Cry, because this is what I want – a man like that who is only turned on by ME, and the memory of me…rather than any other woman, rather than porn, rather than magazines or anything or anyone else.

He willingly spoke of his conflicted emotions in sleeping with me the last year – because of his desire not to hurt me mixed with his desire FOR me. I told him how frustrated that made me. And somehow, we ended up back in his bed, with a tender love making session. He kissed me and held me and there was an absence of walls that used to be so tall. I left shortly after…

And as the tears came, I kept offering up this chanted prayer over and over: “Abba? I said it. I said it. But I’m not perfect…I’m not perfect.” I did not do it perfectly. But I did it honestly, and the best that I could.

I did not feel rejection. Good. I did not feel self-pity. Even better. I did not feel abandonment. Praise all that’s holy. As I drove home, I let the onslaught come. I feel:

Alone.
Let down.
Disappointed.
Hollow.
Sorrow.
Pain that begets and births more pain.
Emptiness.
Despair at the thought of losing him; not having him in my life; his touch, his words, his love the way I want it.
Incredulity.
Confusion.
Frustration.
I feel NO relief.

Angry that even this amount of pain does not feel like our journey together has ended, and I don’t know why. And the wave of the sickening anguish in the pit of my stomach seems to have no end to it – a tsunami-like rogue-wave that has not let me up to breathe. It hasn’t passed. And I don’t know when it will. I am letting it drown me, because if I fight it it will never carry me to shore.

Here’s the thing: It didn’t feel like he really felt anything he was saying. He wasn’t. He was all in his head. What he said does not match what I have felt come from him. And why in the name of all that’s holy do I not feel the window is closed? I was told I would KNOW it was closed, would feel it without pause or doubt.

Is this my holding on, the need to feel MORE pain before I do?! God, please tell me this isn’t so. I want it to move past, like some soft moving glacier…not tumble on like a misstep down a mountain; never regaining balance or my footing, but continuing to self-injure with every slam my body takes upon the rocks, until only the bottom of the earth herself will stop the falling, WHEN THERE IS NOWHERE ELSE TO FALL. And gravity will have done yet more damage.

Where is my ability to stop mid-flight and despite all the odds, find my sure-footing on the steep cliffs? The last time I crumbled to the bottom was with Brent. I do not need to sacrifice ALL I am for this, so why has the fall not stopped? What else is there left?…

I feel NO relief, no “okay, this was the direction I was given so I will move.” kind of emotion. There is no relief, only pain. There was no satisfaction in hearing what he had to say, no – I was looking for an answer and I got one – feeling. Nothing, but pain.

Is this part of what Jen talked about his need for control? Did he need to control what happened today? Did he have to respond to it this way in order for his emotions to follow at some point? Why do I have the hope that he’ll change his mind now…

Why is there still hope amid the pain. Why is it so hard to let him slip away like I have Mikey…Brent…and others?

“No,” was the easiest answer for me to take, but it was still not the one that I wanted. I experienced the answer of “No” in my head, and it felt this bad, but in my mind I didn’t stay there long because it wasn’t real. It’s real today, but at the same time, why does it not feel REAL? Why does it not feel honest? I did not doubt the truthfulness of what he was sharing, what he THOUGHT, and where he believed himself to be. So why do I have the feeling that there is more?…

Despite the power of this pain, today at least - is not enough for me to shut the door. The window is still open and God, - WHY. I do not know, I do not know. I just want to know – the only answer I want right now, is to know whether not closing it is my own inability to do so, or whether there is divine purpose in it beyond myself.

Can you tell me that much, Abba?

Your feelings will carry you to the answer, love. But I am carrying you, and you will know it when you get there.

I didn’t think there was anything left, after this. I thought it would be done, and I would know it with surety.

You will still know this, when it is time.

Fine. Whatever. I’m drowning too much right now to be able to take any cryptic messages, I’m sorry.

There is nothing to be sorry for, my sweet. I hurt because you hurt, no matter what comes because of it. Please know that you pave the way for so much, for so many. You are often the permission people need to embark upon the flood of emotions needed to feel, all because of your honesty. Watch, and the way will be made clear.

K. I still trust you.

I love you, cherished one of my heart.

Keep reading…

The world is a wheel always turning. Those who are high go down low, and those who’ve been low go up higher. –Anzia Yezierska

“Everything changes. Nothing stays the same. And letting go of the way things are, anticipating instead what they might become, frees us to live each moment more fully.

Time marches on, and our destiny marches with it. There is purpose in how our lives unfold; the ups and downs serve our growth. We must neither resent the doldrums nor savor too long the elation. Giving too much attention to either state interferes with our awareness of the present. And the present has come to teach us.

We must move with time. We must focus our attention on the moment and accept whatever feelings each experience elicits. Emotional maturity is accepting our feelings and letting them go and facing instead the next moment with fresh receptivity. Our lessons are many, and they accompany the lows as well as the highs. We can be grateful for both.

The program has taught us freedom from lingering lows. It has given us the tools to move confidently forward, trusting that all is well. Nothing lasts forever, and within each struggle is the opportunity for real growth.

The highs will pass away, just as will the lows. They visit us purposefully. I will give them their freedom and find mine as well.”

Each Day A New Beginning by Karen Casey

Keep reading…

So…this love for Adam (since it came back) has grown even bigger around me. I was fighting it…and then Tuesday night happened, which Jen walked me through…

until today. I was writing (of course) and I realized that I am powerless over my love for him. I cannot control what I feel for him, I could only hand it over to God when it was not conducive to continue feeling and expressing it (which I did). But, God’s HANDED IT BACK TO ME. To serve the purpose of motivation for me to be vulnerable and speak one more time, for I couldn’t be vulnerable with him without feeling the love for him.

And today, it is mushrooming and ballooning out like some uncontainable cloud, and it’s making it almost impossible to do any sort of task at all, to focus on anything BUT that. And so, with the realization that I am powerless over it, I surrendered INTO it. Letting myself fall, letting myself be carried, letting it come as it is meant to, as it serves eternal purposes to do so. I felt this profound and acute sense of relief as I did this, and consciously acknowledged my unmanageability of the emotion. I’m just supposed to let it happen. Because – as we discussed before, whatever the outcome of this exchange, I will NEED the intensity of the emotion to guide me in whatever direction I will be going. Toward, or away from him.

That said – I’m getting butterflies in my stomach and anxiety mixed with His peace that continues to fill me up and up and my ribs are starting to hurt from the widening. Today going to lunch, he told the lengthy story of how when he first started working at this job, our boss and asked him if he was married. He said no. “Don’t get married,” was our boss’s advice. “Just buy a house for a woman you can’t stand.” Bitter much? Two years later, our boss asks him again, “Do you even have a girlfriend?” Adam says, “No, I don’t, you told me not to.” Boss-man’s reply, “Well, now you’re just creepy. Get a girlfriend.” Adam shrugs his shoulders as if to say, “Well, gotta do what the boss says to do!”

The story was funny, especially the way he tells it. Seriously – I’m going to go crazy with this amount of love cushioning everything all around me like some humungous jelly fish.

I feel it’s happening…SOON.

Keep reading…

Jen: I’d like to point out that I do not go out looking for men…for one to replace the last. I will acknowledge that I feel relief if there is one in the wings, when another moves on. If that means I’m weak, then fine. I’m a codependent and I’ll own that. But, I don’t have to have one lined up, waiting. When I know that a relationship is not the one for me, I become incapable of continuing in it, before long, and I am compelled to end it. I said the other night that “I just need a man in my life” but I should clarify… I need the influence of men in my life, whether it’s as friends, family, or romantic in nature, because I LOVE men. I love their energy, their perspective…it makes me feel secure, like I have someone to call when I need help, when I need a big strong man. I have grown up surrounded by boys and men, and so I find having them in my life makes me feel more comfortable and balanced.

All of this being said, let me talk about this new man I recently met, for a minute. I find myself very drawn to him. I don’t know why. I was very guarded and resistive to it at first. He represents everything I ever wanted in life. The life that he and his ex-wife had was THE LIFE I dreamed about and wanted. It is hard to admit this, and re-acquaint myself with this lost dream. But it is what it is. What was my dream?? All I ever wanted was to be married to a loving, devoted husband and father, who was a member of the church, who loved spending time with his family and whose primary focus was his children and his wife and their happiness. I wanted to be able to stay home full time, providing the best possible life I could for my family, giving them every opportunity to grow and progress and develop their talents and learn to love themselves and the Lord. I wanted a relationship where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and we treated each other with respect, and we never lost appreciation for the tremendous gift of love we had been given.

There it is: My dream. My dream that is now in a thousand shattered pieces that I swept up and carefully put in a box and sealed shut, so that I knew I still had it kept safe, but that I wouldn’t have to look at it and feel the pain of the fact that it becomes less and less a possibility as time goes by…

Monica: This is what I pictured as you talked about the shattered pieces of your dream: I pictured the museum in your heart. The carefully kept aisles and lights that illuminate each exhibit. Heavenly Mother wanders those halls alone and with you, keeping watch, vigil, protecting, validating, and bringing each to a consciousness within you when it’s time.

I see your Dream: as the center, main focus in the entire museum. The featured exhibit. In the center of all the other glassed-in pieces of your life. Your Dream…the largest, brightest glass box, the beam of light shining down upon it makes all the others pieces seem dull in comparison. Inside the perfectly square, clean glass enclosure lay thousands of pieces of your broken Dream. Each piece; whether big or tiny slivers, reflect back memories like tiny living screens…flashing across each surface – times in your life that helped build this Dream and when you did live it, and all the times that broke it into the thousands of pieces it has become today.

I see you…standing there…in front of it. Hands pressed up against the glass, coming face to face with it finally. Looking it in the eye. Roving over each and every piece, feeling it, the wounds both old and new, seen and unseen. Each man in your life these last few years has escorted you lovingly, passionately, purposefully through the halls of your heart. Bringing to light exhibit after glassed-in exhibit of the parts of yourself you needed to face, feel, and let go. Each of them were specifically chosen to bring you to specific places; and each of them could not have brought you there were they someone else. And when they came to the end of an aisle, another waited to take you onward; giving strength and love for you to do so. The Lord guides us through the most painful with what already comforts us: in your case, as you spoke about below, men have a very dear place within you. So, He works within the comforts of your heart. And He has done so. Because maybe you are more willing to face these wounds when you are being held…(I, on the other hand, won’t look at them IF I am being held. Hence – there ain’t no arms around me.

And as you took the arm of your next guide and teacher, you let someone else go. And now, you have wound your way through the maze of the museum of your heart, and have come to the center. And here you stand…facing The Dream. It does NOT matter if your dream was logical or possible, naive or selfish – none of that matters. If you believed it, if it gave you hope, if it was your dream – then it deserves no judgment. Just because we might scoff at our dreams now, we can NEVER heal the hurt caused by its loss unless we feel it. Honor it. Acknowledge it. See it.

What might be required is this: to take the top of the glass case off, place it on the floor, and to take out each and every piece. To look at it. Validate it. Feel it. Grieve it. Re-live the moments that you did not live before. Let it make you bleed, laugh, and cry. And then hand it over to your Higher Power. Each and every piece. You may do this as quickly or as slowly as you like. But now – and only now – do you have ability to do so. I can only imagine what lies in store after you do this…amazing things I can only taste a glimmer of.

You will never be alone as you do this…but you must be the one to take the top off, and it is your hands that must reach in and take out each sliver of your heart, your broken Dream. But as you do the work, we will be with you. Always.

Keep reading…

The last couple days have found me strong; happy and sure and peaceful. Content without reason, open to love and powerful within my vulnerability because I love and am safe within myself. That in and of itself is a mighty miracle. And so, it was with simple and quiet acquiescence when Adam asked me to go let his dogs out and feed them (since he had to go to dinner with colleagues). I had Al-anon at 8 so it was nearby. I went over – walked in the back door, and was softly hit with love. I knew he had been thinking of me. And then, in a blink of an eye, my emotions did a complete 180 degree turn.

Suddenly, I was completely beset with insane jealousy, betrayal, suspicion, heartbreak, fury, and grief. Suddenly, all I could hear was my own breathing amplified in my ears and I could hear nothing else. I walked through his house, through most of the rooms, looking for proof. Like I suddenly KNEW there was another woman, and this was my chance to find it all out. But I didn’t even really need PROOF because I just knew. I couldn’t feel anything else but the anxiety and utter panic and heavy weight as I settled into the cracking bones of my breaking heart. The card on his desk – I thought, “This is it!” and I turned it over and it was signed by a man and someone else. Nope, not proof. His life was littered a little messy, caught as he was and not prepared or hiding anything. The half naked woman on the ESPN magazine on the couch. Yes! Nope, it was his roommate’s. The pad of paper on the IKEA stainless steel counter with the names of his friends, over to play pong. Maybe. The cooler of bud lights on the porch. Things I wasn’t invited to. Included in. And that made me moan with the pain of being left behind. Of not being in control. Then there was the hand drawn picture of the pumpkin, with the word SMILE! sketched above it. Nothing else written on it. Who was it? Who was she? Who were THEY, even? I was not a part of his life anymore. And it was over because there was someone else. I wandered around, being ruled by a vicious assault of feelings that took my agency and turned me into a crazed, fucked up lunatic. It felt like I was possessed by them, unable to break through and make my own choices.

As I sat on the edge of the couch, feeling alien in a house that has always felt safe and comfortable to me, fending off the dogs and their insistent request for more treats more treats more treats. The feeling continued to overwhelm me, and I shook my head at the idea that I had planned on being vulnerable with him one more time. HELL NO! I vehemently declared, as I felt the huge gates of my heart slam shut without choice…I had to leap out of the way not to get crushed by them.

I simply felt…awful. I wanted to disappear, not see anyone, not go anywhere. Just be invisible. But since I had told her I would, went to dinner with Ashleigh, then to Al-anon. It was SNOWING like crazy outside. Had my winter boots, umbrella, scraper and wool coat in the car so I didn’t have to ruin the leather jacket that Adam had bought for me so long ago. Was antsy and uncomfortable and completely undone by what had happened and what I continued to feel. And the worst part was, I had no idea what happened to me. None. Zero. Zilch. Within minutes, or even IN the moment, I can figure out what’s going on. It took TWO HOURS for any kind of semblance of understanding and truth to work it’s way through.

That is UNHEARD of for me nowadays, and completely threw me under the bus. I left the meeting with a couple thoughts running through my head, but I didn’t feel any better. I reached out for Jen, and she called me a little after 9pm after I threw myself into bed and watched the snow come down outside. I told her my two fears/feelings:

1. That I had been praying not to be in denial, and that this was a revelation of truth – the end.
2. That my wounds and fears had decided to conjure up an answer before our actual conversation ever took place; thereby making the choice that it was NOT a “yes,” thus enabling me to remain single and alone for who know’s how long and not having to face the fear of being in a relationship again.

Here’s what Jen (God BLESS her!) and I felt and figured out:

-There is not another woman. He would never send me to his house without hiding things if this were the case, especially considering how careful he is to always make me know there isn’t another.

-There was NO PROOF. But even if he had been standing there, TELLING me he loved me and wanted me, I wouldn’t have believed him because my fears were screaming in my face.

-Rather than face the possibility of him saying “yes,” my fear is so potent and powerful that it decided to decide for me. I am terrified, utterly rendered a mess thinking about trying again. The thought completely undoes me. I just can’t do it again. I can’t watch someone die again. I can’t be abused, cheated on, left behind again. I just won’t do it. And it’s not about being with an addict specifically, it’s just being with ANYONE. Because I now know no one is perfect, and don’t expect that from anyone – but it scares the shit out of me knowing that no one IS. Because imperfections = chance I can get hurt again. I suppose…I have an expectation that I WILL be hurt like that again. That’s kind of sad…and needs to be addressed more deeply.

-I am much more comfortable with the idea of getting over him, than being with him. I have complete, 100% perfect (yes, perfect) trust and faith in myself to get over anything and anyone. I can deal with ANY kind of “No” that exists. “No” is more my comfort zone than “Yes” is. It means I would continue on the path I have been on, which I am comfortable in, that I exist in happily. I am more comfortable living single and only wanting someone, not actually being with them.

-The level and intensity of my fear was made clear by what that wound decided to throw at me: the Big Guns. It threw THE most painful, suicidal level of agony that I have ever experienced in my entire life - the other woman. It was my deepest and most pronounced scar, stretching across my entire BODY, the pain that made me want to take my life. NOTHING else made me feel pain this atrocious or unbearable. And it was so real – it literally pulled out ALL the stops. It tried to recreate that same pain with NO PROOF, only fed by the fear that is now raised because of the possibility of facing doing it again.

-Brent seriously fucked me up. Bad. I feel anger towards him. The image of the nightmares playing out on the decimated drive-in movie theater in my heart makes me think this is what is unresolved. And it can only be healed by trying again. But I am completely…traumatized by it.

-This was a literal Post Traumatic Stress flashback. I do suffer from PTSD, and Jen talked me through about how they will happen.

-I stepped on a buried land mine. It fucking BLEW ME UP.

-My wounds and fears pulled out ALL the stops. Jen talked about how this will happen from time to time, but I was like, DUDE – this is the ATOMIC BOMB of my wounds and anguish, there is NOTHING more painful than this. Talk about bringing out the big guns, this was the gun. Anything else won’t hold a CANDLE to this baby. Nothing.

-Even in the reality of that pain again, I could still feel that it was forced, somehow. That it wasn’t original. Authentic. Pure. It was like it was a mirror. So it wasn’t the real thing. This is also how I knew it wasn’t telling the truth. BUT – seriously, even the mirrored image of the resurgence of that pain was enough to completely fuck me up, close my heart, and close up shop. That’s how powerful the original sucker was. It literally, totally, completely broke me.

-But, the force of the wound slammed my heart shut so fiercely that it bounced right back open. My heart is not closed today. It is still open and willing, despite what I went through last night.

-That it was actually a good thing that this happened when I was feeling SO strong and powerful, because if I had been weak when it hit…who knows what would have happened. Actually, I probably felt the pain/fear more STRONGLY while being strong and powerful…okay, that’s a truth. The opposite extremes made it possible for me to feel the most powerful pain because I was most powerfully strong. If I had been weak, the pain would not have been that great, and would not have served its purpose.

-And what was its purpose? To re-acquaint me with a fear that I still have? To address my unresolved issues with Brent? (mother fucker). I’m sure that I needed to feel it, otherwise I wouldn’t have. But holy fuck almighty…that was a TRAIN WRECK. I haven’t been knocked on my ass in many, many months. I was literally insane. How horrible that feels.

-I’m safe enough to feel emotions that I was never able to feel before. But even so, I still don’t like the new ones: anger. jealousy. envy. etc. When the only clothes in my closet used to be Self-Pity. Rejection. Abandonment. Those were the ONLY emotions I was able to feel, no matter their true originator. Now, however, I CAN feel the gamut of emotions. I just still don’t like to. Jealousy is…wicked. It’s this raw-edged nails on a chalkboard kind of insanity that claws through my insides like a demon on fire. Or ice. I hate it.

-I am completely raw in this space. Vulnerable in a way I have never in all my 31 years been. Ever ever ever. It’s like standing there being split right down the middle – the rib spreader still stuck in my chest, my heart visible to the outside air and to all who want to look and see. My deepest emotions have risen to the surface, and I cannot hide them anymore. Like they’ve mixed with too much yeast and are seeping through the pores in my skin…rising, rising, rising…and I cannot stop them.

Today – I am rolling around in this cumulative squishy cheese ball of peace, excitement, fear, snap-shots of last night’s sickening belief of betrayal, anticipation for the impending which I feel is UPON US DEAR GOD IT’S HAPPENING!, trepidation, anxiety like a thousand gnats flying into the wall of my stomach…as WELL as:

I’m on my period. Bloated. Emotionally raw. Bleeding. Upset stomach. Twisting and contorting uterus that’s throwing tantrums and causing CRAZY bouts of contractions.

God, I love my life. Ha. Abba? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED.

What was supposed to. You are handing each other the baton back and forth as you wind through, listen, and follow your paths – encouraging the process, the preparation, and the participation. 

I can’t hold out like this…with this intensity of feeling. Not much longer.

It won’t be much longer. In fact, not longer at all. 

That land mine about did me in, Abba. I am still reeling from it. It was so bad…

I know, my love. My tender lily. I want you to know that I was there with you the whole time, and ever since, and ever before. Without knowing, you leaned into it as you should have, to allow it to serve it’s purpose. These things must be felt to better equip you for what is in store for you later today. I am proud of you.

I’m still afraid, the remnants of the betrayal still linger like small pieces of shrapnel, floating through the sky around me…dropping in and slicing my skin every once in a while.

And you let them. And then you look at it, feel it, pluck it out, and hand it to me. It is habit now, love – for you to do this and it is well with me. You can focus on other things while the habits you have cultivated go through the grieving process themselves and heal. You are a marvel to behold, sweet one. How I love you.

Thank you, Abba. I am shaky and unnerved. And now, today – he is sad. Disappointed. “I’m a loser, just like every other day.” And it shakes my ground even though I try not to let it.

He goes through the gamut himself, Monica Rai. He, too, must feel the breadth of his pain to see the depth of joy that he asks for and desires and hopes for. 

Okay. WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHHHHEEEENNNNNN!?!?!?!!?!??!

In moments, my dear. Moments only. You are ready, you are there, you are there. We wait for no one anymore, the wait is over. Listen, watch, and feel it through. And I will be there every step of the way. I love you.

I love you too. So much. So very much.

Keep reading…

Okay. I am sad.

I have been so distracted with my love for Adam ever since Friday night when he was in my heart – and I was overwhelmed with my love for him, and it opened it all up again for me. So I called him Saturday, he didn’t answer and wasn’t calling back. Was so unable to let it go Jen helped me talk it through, how apparently I had an expectation that he would call back because he ALWAYS HAS. There’s never been even ONE time where he didn’t answer or call back or text me back when I reached out. She asked if I could give him a pass this time. I said yes.

He texted me at 8 saying he’d just got back from the U game. Pass worth it. We text a little back and forth as I tell Jen and Ash about Friday night. I tell her, when I feel love for him like this, I WILL say something about if he’s ready to date me yet or not. I can’t NOT do it when I feel this love for him. And that makes me upset, because I don’t want to. She said it might take me saying it again to move past it. That makes me mad to think that, that I need more pain to motivate me to let go. Sucks.

So I put myself out there again, vulnerable, (even just like the phone call) and tell him I miss hanging out with him. He responds, “Well then let’s hang out soon.” And for whatever reason, the sweeping gates to my heart clang shut again. No no no no no no no no no no no! I scream, I will NOT be the one vulnerable and putting myself out there again. Even though rejection isn’t my issue anymore, I’m afraid. I’m afraid he’ll say no and I’m afraid he’ll say yes. I know I can deal with a ‘no,’ as I have done before, but I don’t know about a ‘yes.’ Although I know I would try. I’m afraid because I have an expectation that this will be the final inning, the last call, the last chance before my life moves on without him or with him. And I’m afraid of both outcomes with that; the finality of it.

And I write this and shake my head at the same time because I feel like a fool! Like some 7th grader still caught in the drama of boy likes me, boy doesn’t like me. Again, I am tired of the limbo now. The in-between. The sitting on the fence, I suppose. I have loved him for almost two years now, and though I have spent months letting it go and not feeling much for him (rather not feeling my love for him consciously because he wasn’t reciprocating and I didn’t need to push it) but now because of fucking Friday and WHOOP up pops Adam in my heart as someone I love and it swarms my veins with an unbearable and overwhelming truth and honesty I simply can’t hide from anymore. It’s still there. And I guess it will continue to be until it’s either a yes or a no and my process of moving through whichever one it is.

Part of me just wants to get it over with, because it’s so impossible to live in the present tense of feeling your love for someone while they do nothing and there is no path to move down. Sitting with the fence post stuck up my ass has NEVER been my favorite place to hang out. And I guess we’ve finally gotten there. Jump, or don’t. But who out of the two of us will actually say the words to invite the decision to happen?

I know I could decide without him, but then - I would have a regret. I have always said what I was prompted to no matter how scary or intimidating or vulnerable because I DON’T LIVE WITH REGRETS ANYMORE. They are a thing of the past for me, and I’m not about to start up another collection. I cannot move forward with or without him without having this conversation one more time. I just didn’t want to be the one to start it. He IS capable of it. Last night I said to Jen, “Grow a fucking pussy because your balls just aren’t cutting it.”

That would look great on a t-shirt.

So. Abba? Jehovah? Give me the opportunity and I will be vulnerable again with him. If that’s thy will and in the best interest of my heart and my journey. Is it? I want to make sure I am not just trying to force something to happen before it’s time. But feeling the love, Abba, I can’t not say something…

I know. It is one reason WHY you are feeling the love. To give you direction in which to move.

I am angry that I feel this love is attacking my heart because I don’t want to be the one to do this again!

I know, sweetest one. When the time is at hand, I work with the hearts that are open to it.

So his heart isn’t open? And is that why he showed up in my heart?

He showed up because you still love him. And that is not a bad thing, love. It’s just time to move forward with it or move past it.

I am afraid of how he will react. Either way scares me. Or if he’ll even feel anything at all.

He feels, oh he feels. 

He hasn’t reacted well to my offering of emotion in ANY way in a very long time.

I know, love. And I won’t tell you the answer here, because your courage is sacred to me and I know it is to you, too, and I respect your journey, your leap of faith without knowing beforehand what will happen.

It still means so much to me to know that I am fought for, wanted, sought after – the fact that he hasn’t lifted a finger makes me doubt his love for me and makes me hesitate the relationship…

Love. You do not know what he fights or what he’s felt through. He might have fought for you in his mind and heart without ever looking your way.

But DID he?! And that’s so BULLSHIT, God! You know?

I validate your feelings about it, but he is different than you.

He just acts like he could care less…

What is perceived as apathy hides much beneath. You know this about him. 

I know. And just because I love MYSELF enough, I will follow through with what I feel, because I deserve to have this or move past it…because it’s time.

Yes, it is time. Now, is the time.

Will you help him?

I have never ceased loving and comforting and guiding and helping him. And he has relied on me to do so.

You are only required to do that which you are able. Because your spirit communicated to me that she can do this, the resurgence of the emotions of your love for him was restored. Without it, vulnerability is impossible. And because I know your wounds and fears still have to be acknowledged, you are not required to make it ALL happen. A way will be made, from which there was no way before. Because I love my children, and I love their progression and their continuation in life. It will be made plain to you, even more plain than you can imagine, and then you will choose to leap. I promise you, my cherished one, that the net will appear. In whatever form it takes, it WILL catch you. This I promise, always and forever. For you.

I put the ball back in his court, Abba. I didn’t want to hold it anymore.

You still aren’t. He still has decisions to make. He still holds it. You’re just speaking from your heart. He has had to focus on it and he has not been able to avoid it because he’s carrying it. He doesn’t want to put it down, either. Fight for what you love, and then let it go unto me. And I will do the rest. Speak, with the open heart you have given so much to obtain, and worlds will collide. 

Okay. Can you please give unto me peace? I am afraid, and I am hurting in this feeling love for him, and the uncertainty of what will happen.

My peace I give unto you. My peace I leave with you. My peace I bestow upon you. Forevermore. I love you.

Can you tell me that I am not just making this all up? Because sometimes I wonder if he just is not interested or wants me at all any more. Maybe I am no longer in HIS heart – maybe the life-altering love he felt for me nearly two years ago is simply gone. Maybe I have made all this up in my head and aching heart because I am afraid of the alternative. Maybe this has just been a year of denial…maybe he does not love me. Maybe I have been alone in this travail and maybe I will only make a fool out of myself. I am so utterly vulnerable that I feel like I am four years old again…

It is in this stage of open-ness that the veil parts, oh holy child. Where your honesty and cracked-open-heart can conjure miracles untold, where the power you command is unrivaled, where I am seen, felt, and allowed to take control. Vulnerability gives me, even God, the greatest power to work within your heart, and in circumstances surrounding you. Without the walls of dishonesty, is when I can make God’s out of the godless. This, is where you are most protected. The more open you become, the greater the number who stand guard around you. Your offering of your deepest fears has brought you to where you can do the most good. For others, and for yourself. You have seen the effect this has on other’s high walled towers…they crumble under the sound of Jericho’s trumpets. You sound the horns, my love, because of this place you are in. Thank you for telling me what you’re really afraid of. It is now, and here, that the great work can begin. 

Jen: Monica, I SO love the responses from the Lord that you shared with me, as well as your honest, poignant questions of him! He says exactly what I feel…that I can not say what is in Adam’s heart, but there can and are very different fears and issues there, that I can not possibly fathom. Sometimes I lose sight of that. I lose sight of the fact that everyone has such different circumstances, different fears, different feelings and reactions to things, to the extent that I just don’t understand them.

What I deeply resonate with is what He said about this process being necessary, and that He is very much directing the way it unfolds, and that He will not ask you to do anything you can’t do. This is a refining process for you both, and I am VERY MUCH familiar with refining processes, where the Lord is much more concerned that I go through the process, and less concerned (than I am) about the outcome. I guess because people have their agency and He won’t interfere with that…(STUPID agency! But in the event that you are to move on without Adam, you will have to be sufficiently motivated by the discomfort you experience to move forward without looking back, without regrets. And if it isn’t hard/painful enough, you won’t be convinced that this will be the last time you make yourself vulnerable, and your pendulum will just continue in the same direction, without the necessary shift, leaving you stuck where you no longer want to be. If he is ready to begin something, you, likewise, will not be ready for that, either, without going through this final, difficult step. The vulnerability is necessary, for you to be prepared for either outcome. 

So I validate your need to scream “AAAAARRRRGH! Enough already!!! MAKE IT HAPPEN!” In fact, I scream it with you! I love you. You are amazing. Thank you for your example of courage and willingness, and honesty about how hard both of those things freaking are!!

Monica: First – thank you thank you. Your words, no matter how short or long ALWAYS hit the center of my heart. And you’re exactly right. I need to be vulnerable for ALL possible outcomes…otherwise I won’t have the strength to either move forward or let go for good.

I feel the ENORMITY of the importance and sacredness of what’s happening…and ever since I agreed to DO it, I have felt my vulnerability actually give me strength WITHIN the tenderness and child-like innocent honesty. It’s empowering…and I think it’s shifted from 100% SCARY to a mixture percentage of STRENGTH and POWER as well, because I now have the ability to be vulnerable in front of someone without an expectation of reciprocation or even encouragement to do so in any way. That speaks of MY belief of my worth, the absence of rejection and abandonment because I can love myself and that’s enough. I can choose to be vulnerable in front of someone even when they cannot be or don’t want me to be. I can be vulnerable in a circumstance and situation that is NOT emotionally safe because I am safe within myself. That’s pretty marvelous, don’t you think?!

However…I find it interesting that I have replayed the possible various answers he will give, over and over: “I can’t. I want to, but not yet.” “There’s someone(s) else.” “No. I don’t want to. I don’t love you anymore.”

And letting myself feel the reaction to them. I can’t help it. But, the one possible answer I absolutely CANNOT let myself envision or feel my reaction to is if he says “Yes.” I can’t go there. I suppose it’s because I don’t want to imagine that joy/fear combination only to have an expectation that’s let down. It’s more easy for me to imagine the pain of saying “No,” because it’s not related to my worth – so I CAN handle it. I am confident in my ability to let him go and move on if that’s what he says/chooses. But I simply WILL NOT imagine the outcome of “Yes.” That’s interesting, huh?

And I find it interesting that the last couple days, he’s been able to look me in the eye. Consistently. It’s a bit unnerving. And today, again at lunch, when he talks about any interaction with a woman of any kind, he’ll go on and on and on and on and ON about how they’re not that great. Not hot. Crazy. Totally never in a million years would he date them. I mean seriously, when he was telling us about his trip to Mexico and how 30 Norwegian young woman were staying in the same hotel and wanted them to come out with them EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WAS DOG UGLY?! And yet, he’ll label entire races/nationalities/religions of females CRAZY DOG UGLY when I am in the audience. There will ALWAYS be an excuse as to why he’s not interested in them. Always. This is another way he’s been consistent, and I suppose I have an expectation of – he always calls me back, and he always disses women who aren’t me, his sister, or his mother.

Ah, he is a unique, one-of-a-kind-creature, just like you inferred. We never know what people feel or how they process things…

Jen: You are so right, vulnerability IS strength and power. Those are freaking WORDS TO LIVE BY! But only made more so if we acknowledge that truth in our lives. You’re ability to be vulnerable in keeping your heart open and your love for Adam alive, whether he responds in kind, or not, is the absolute pinnacle of power and strength.  But it takes a lot of energy when it goes on too long, so you are absolutely entitled to get tired and need a break, or a shift, or a change in direction. You are right, also, that it is your self-love and self-worth which creates the safety in which you CAN be vulnerable. That adds an incredible beauty to the strength and power.

I also find it interesting in the possible outcomes you will allow yourself to imagine. I think that this comes from being hurt before, and it is a protective measure which I find myself using, as well. Like you, my experience leaves me much more prepared to handle, and imagine a NO, more easily than I can a Yes. I try to avoid, more than anything else, almost, getting my hopes up for things I have no control over. And the possibility of remaining in limbo is unacceptable…so I fear that just about as much, thereby not allowing myself to imagine it. In short, you are protecting yourself by considering, or NOT considering, the options, and I actually see wisdom in that, from where I sit.

The way Adam has been towards you, always being careful to make sure you know there is no one else, looking you in the eye, or not looking you in the eye, tells me a few things.  His love for you is still there, strong, and he possibly fears it will over-take him and he will have no control over it (this is one of his big fears, I believe). It tells me, also, that you have set a very high bar in his heart, and there are few women who will ever be able to clear that bar. I don’t know what your next step is.

Monica: What came when you talked about his fear of losing control if he allows his emotions to overcome him: at first I was like, he already HAS lost control with his love for me, back in the beginning. But then I remember: At that time, when he opened up entirely, I was not able to reciprocate. For him, there is profound safety in non-reciprocation. I gave back some, for sure – and you, knowing me, my SOME is many people’s EVERYTHING. But I was broken apart and dealing with emotions regarding Mikey and my divorce had just been finalized and I needed a lot more releasing of Brent that would take another YEAR to do. I was powerful, but hurting. And he was able to handle that, walking me through so much pain. However…when he took himself away, and I, without someone to give my heart to, gave my heart to myself. And to God.

So NOW – Adam, having (been forced, pretty much because of work) to see me every single day, KNOWS first hand how changed I am. How un-needy I am. How rejection and abandonment are no longer my bedmates. He sees how healthy I am. How ready. How powerful. And I think he…still loving me…and seeing that I do not NEED him…wears on his self-worth of what he could GIVE to me when I don’t NEED it. It’s his worth issues.

Where I am, now…is completely in a realm unknown to him. He doesn’t KNOW what will happen, how he’ll feel, if he gives in to how he feels. And yes, it’s hard for him to surrender into the emotion of things he hasn’t before experienced. I think there’s fear of what will arise within HIM if he gives in…I suppose he needs to be somewhat ready for whatever will come up. He’ll have to face his deepest if he let’s go of controlling, holding back things he’s always held back…

I realize that it doesn’t take courage to love ME, it takes courage to love himself. I think your observation of him needing to stay in control of his emotions make so much sense. So he would adjust his behaviors with me depending on his shifting levels of control. If he looked me in the eye, he might not be able to control it…if he touches me, he won’t be able to control it…etc.

All I am looking for now is the prompting to SPEAK, and then I will. I will tell him how I feel. I will be vulnerable. And then that will determine my course for now. I am not putting Adam first right now…I have carried “us” tenderly and with infinite patience (out of necessity, not willingness for a long, long time and I no longer carry it. I trust God to enable us to bridge those gaps within ourselves and with each other.

Jen: Yes, the healthy you is new for Adam. Actually, its more accurate to say ANY healthy woman is new for him. It sounds like he is working towards being ready for something like that. I agree very much that the courage he is lacking is for him to live with and love himself, not courage to love you, except that he has to love himself to love you, because you are a total luxury for him…not a drain, no sacrifice involved, no self-less giving that goes unreciprocated. To love you is a total gift to himself!

He would only allow himself to enter that relationship because and if he feels deserving of it and able to participate in it on the same level you are on, or at least close to it. Adam is aware that he is capable of a joyful, healthy relationship, and wants to be in one, but wants so much to be ready for it and not feel like he is the needy one. THAT would be untenable. I sense a fair amount of scorn in Adam with regard to needy, unhealthy women (of his past relationships) and if he wasn’t ready, emotionally, that just might be HIM in a relationship with YOU… LOL!! Oh my, why does that make me laugh?!

Monica: HahahahahahahahahahaBAHhahahahahah!!!!

Jen: You will come out victorious, with every chance of all the happiness the Lord has in store for you, BECAUSE you are letting Him direct it, and direct you. THAT is the only guarantee we can ever have, that if we let the Lord run the show, we will find the answers we seek.

Keep reading…

I went to the Language of the Heart (Yoga) workshop with the amazing Carrie Friday the 22nd. She walked, talked and moved us through steps 10, 11, and 12.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

And so. As we moved gently, stretching from all ends, I felt the crumbling around other places on the outside of my heart. The walls falling, the stones crashing, the expansion of my healing pushing outward from the ancient fortress. I could hear it all. And as my breath drove deeper, the fresh, healing air was raw against the tender revealed skin. Like the air was stung like alcohol cleaning a wound – the crisp, cold, image sharpening wind whipping across everywhere. I flinched from it, but knew it was good.

Guiding us through – in my heart. She asked us to bring people in. Someone who loved me unconditionally – Abba was there instantaneously. Immediately. He is SO real to me, I can picture him anywhere. I felt the love, and it was good. Then, she asked – someone you love. And there he was: Adam. Gardener of my Heart. And I moaned against it, because I didn’t want it – but the love that enveloped me, surged through my veins was as powerful as it ever had been. I was powerless against my love for him. (Wo. Need to talk through THAT one). I let it completely encase me, without borders, limitation, denial, or judgment. It simply was. To FEEL that again, after I had given it to Abba…He was giving it back. For what purpose at that point I didn’t know, but the love was overwhelming and beautiful and pristine. It had been cared for perfectly. Of course it had been, look who I had trusted its care to…

Then she said – someone who you have a deep connection with. Maria came. My sweet, lovely, spirit twin who I have never felt the same with anyone else. And then finally, someone who I have unresolved issues with. And with a torrent of anger, there sat Brent. WHY!? I yelled as I saw him, WHAT MORE IS THERE TO DO WITH HIM THAT I HAVEN’T ALREADY DONNNNNNNNNE?!?!?!?! But there he was, anyway.

For a moment I saw that this was mostly a shell of Brent – meaning that my issues with him personally, directly, have been dealt with for the most part. What is unresolved is what he SYMBOLIZES. What he represents for me. I was disappointed and frustrated in this, because I just…want to be done with all things regarding him. But there he was, anyway. And I saw him. And felt the unresolved issues spewing inside.

And at the end, during our quiet meditation, laying in the darkened room, up through the skylight, frustrated with the inability of my heart to stop pounding, or for me to find my deep breath that continued to be elusive and unobtainable throughout the whole night. Stuttered, shuddered, hiccupped and flopped along despite my attempts to slow it down and connect with it. I just, couldn’t.

The sky darkened in my heart, and over the grassy hill which I hadn’t gone beyond before for some reason, I stood against the bent and twisted chain linked fence. My left hand hooked through the holes, my right hand grasping the crooked pole of the blown-open gate. I stared at the bomb-shattered compound inside: earth and dirt and smoke and green living things all dying or dead. And then in the middle of it, started playing a scene of my nightmares. In the middle – the nightmare I’ll never forget of Brent; naked on a dirty bed somewhere after screwing some woman he didn’t love, his right hand poised over his left arm ready to shoot up some heroin. On the left. There was my abuser, and 19 year-old-me being raped, abused, manipulated, stolen away from myself. On the right. My father. His face contorted in anger he can’t control, close up like he’s in my face, yelling things that are so hurtful I still don’t like to repeat them. This was the stuff of nightmares, night terrors.

The scene’s played out, like my memory had been tapped and I was watching these things as they really are. Without distortion of any kind. Without the buffer of time. The reality of the atrocities that I have lived through and have been a part of. They flickered through the scenes, again and again and again, shifting through memory and space; the sounds all merging together like a cyclone of death – screeching metal against my bones, shame dripping its acid on my skin that melts away in searing agony and the stink of rotting flesh.

There have been many men who have done and said horrible things to me. But they weren’t here in this compound. Only these 3 remained. And I don’t know if that’s because I have forgiven the others…or if these three are simply the main-stagers. And they are all men.

The things I have lived through are traumatic. Terrible. Unforgivable. Things that shouldn’t have a name. To see them there, in all their horrific glory was difficult. I feel…the forgiveness I have for each of them still course through my veins. So what does this mean? I don’t know. And maybe I don’t need to, right now.

The ending of this vision – I felt the Savior walk up behind me, and place his right hand on my left shoulder. He stood next to me, his hand on the fence next to mine. I felt secure and completely open to letting him see all of this. I just felt his love. Oh, how I miss my brother…

Through the gate and into the compound walked Abba. Right into the repeating nightmares. He was in each scene. Telling me and showing me he was there, even if I couldn’t see or feel him then. He was also with the men in these scenes. No one is left alone. I felt comfort that Abba was there, and felt nothing but love for him, even though he is also a man – as these men in the nightmares are.

Then I left that place. And have carried the heaviness in me ever since, the sickening thud of my heart, weighted with what is there.

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(In)Courage.

I saw this play on words, and it resonated with me deeply. I believe strongly that any emotional work that we do requires an incredible amount of courage, and facing our own demons and pain and sitting in the trenches of our own hearts takes more strength than we ever credit ourselves. We are at war within, my sisters. We validate and acknowledge each and every one of you; your secrets and your honesty, your visible scars and the ones still coming to the surface, your failures and your triumphs, your battle with perfectionism and pain, and everything in between.

(In)Courage – what does this mean to me? It means being aware, awake, present, and acknowledging of all things I’m doing right now that are not easy. Brave. Hard to do. Something I’d prefer to avoid. What YOU find hard, not what others just think you’re brave for. About YOU. Not them.

Genshai. (GEN-shy) The ancient Hindi word that means you should never treat another person in a manner that would make them feel small. That includes yourself…“Will you make a commitment, right now, to never treat yourself small as long as you live?”

We took the time to make lists of all the things we could think of when we were InCourage. Without judging them! Here’s some of mine:

Standing up to dad on the Colorado
Coming back to Utah in 2002
Breaking up with Jason
Letting Setema go
Choosing Brent and making the leap
Letting Brent go
Doing rehab for me and sticking to it
Creating a whole new life
Being emotionally honest
Being myself around everyone
Kiss MY ass!
Doing, saying, and writing in ways that made me vulnerable
My job: admin to marketing, moving up the ladder
Taking my feeling of helplessness after 9/11 and putting it into action by training to be an EMT and becoming certified
Horseneck Beach
Open to Christianity with Jason and Pastor Greg
Leaving my abuser
Buying my own cars
Being honest with my mom
Finishing my Bachelor’s degree, being successful in my education
Only freshman in high school to make the Select Vocal Jazz group
Making Districts in High School (huge vocal competition where those chosen from rigorous audition requirements gather for a few days to learn a difficult set of songs -many in different languages: my year we did African, German, French, Hindu, classical, latin, and gospel- and put on a huge performance).
HOYH
My website
Making my body strong
Living from my heart
(my little girl wants me to add) One of the leads in school plays 5th and 6th grade (“A Midsummer Nights Dream” and “Out of the Blue”)
Archery winner in middle school
Dating popular boy in high school
My art winning contests
When I made my parents happy
When I said no to smoking when all were doing it (8th grade)

DOING DOING DOING = 27 years (lots of the above are “DOING” things, and others are “FEELING” things).
FEELING FEELING FEELING = 3 years. Interesting.

“Daring to have a dream, then letting go of the dream without one to replace it.” – Jen

“It took courage to live without emotion. And, to live with it.” – Amy

It’s not about how PURE your intention/motivation is in that particular courage; courage is ultimately untainted by our fears. If we still act on it from fear, or for it – it is still courage through and through. Your courage, no matter what it is, is not to be judged. But to be loved.

Genshai. Let’s silence the war within…let’s never treat ourselves small. Let us honor every victory instead of judging it, let us admire every proud moment without belittling it. Let us love ourselves. Because if we feel inferior to someone else’s, it is only time before we feel superior over others. Genshai…

Genshai.

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