Dealer World Part II
Posted on | August 6, 2010 | No Comments
as written June 27, 2008
Anxiety, oh boy…anxiety!
After talking with Steve C. multiple times, our best option to get Brent a car is this: Trade in my own and get two, so he can have one.
This car has been a love of mine…am I really willing to give it up to help him – when he doesn’t know if he even wants to be with me? He calls me because he needs something from me? Can I go through with this without resenting/having expectations from it? Am I healthy enough to make it a clean exchange? Should I even help him?
Roxy (my beautiful, 2006 jewel blue Honda Civic) symbolizes stability, loyalty, and is a huge blessing that has allowed me safety and the chance to go wherever I need. I love what she means to me. I guess the question is what I can live with – with no expectations, to try to temper my codependency with the tools I have learned.
What can I live with?
What is my fear? My fear is that Brent will not need me even more, that he’ll stop calling, stop communicating completely because there won’t be anything else left he needs or wants from me. That I will feel rejection and feel used and walked over and drive a cheaper, less reliable vehicle. That ultimately, I will GIVE more with no RETURN from him and I will STILL, be alone.
I need to step 1 this issue.
Am I still in that place where I am giving with strings attached? Is it wrong to say no? What is my true motivation here? WHAT CAN I LIVE WITH AT THIS STAGE IN MY RECOVERY, today?.. And be okay with all the consequences…
Will I be charitable or will I just be a bitch? I need to pray to know if this decision is showing true charity, or if it’s showing true codependency. It’s not just the car, it’s the button to a chain reaction of emotion and disease. I realize that this is an opportunity for me to make a decision for me, regardless of Brent. To make a sacrifice for someone who is so very imperfect without asking him to change before I grant him it, or to say no to someone who is in desperate need and who is still technically my husband and deal with his manipulation and pain and possible relapse if I don’t do what he wants.
My Roxy is the blue jewel that I am being asked to either give up for a piece of coal but have a charitable peaceful heart, or keep to myself because I deserve it and let him figure it out on his own.
What does my heart say?…
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