Day 1

Posted on | September 2, 2009 | 3 Comments

as written December 11, 2007

I dropped Brent off at detox this morning. I fought with the nurses to be notified if he tried to leave. I wanted my way and I got it. I hugged him as he walked away, and I walked out into the bitter cold and saw my hands shaking. I drove away without my husband. Walked into work and smiled at them all. Couldn’t believe they didn’t see an ice queen with nothing behind her eyes. How can you feel relief and like it’s the end of your life at the same time? What the hell…

I can’t put a finger on my life, I can’t surprise myself with an occasional smile – it feels broken and obtuse, rusty and waterlogged.

I have come to the end of my pier. The water laps at my toes and my hair whips at my face. My clothes shudder against the wind, thudding with my heart. It is near winter, here, and the soles of my feet freeze gently atop the dark slickness of the rocks. My choice, now, is whether I want to leap off the land and start swimming. I will not be able to look back and see the beach anymore. I will not be able to stumble back across the stones in a moment of fear and cling to their hard surface, or hide beneath their shadows. I will be in open water, unable to stand, unable to see how far I have come or how far I have to go. I will have one choice – to keep swimming forward or drown, for there is no going back.

Do I have the strength? The question is, do I have the strength to keep standing still, undecided? The question is, am I going to abandon all the distance and race back, barefoot, to the safety of the sand? Or, am I going to find that when I give up all, that I am able to walk on water?

I lean forward, pressing against the wind on my tiptoes, bending to the tide…

Keep reading…


3 Responses to “Day 1”

  1. Jill Tracy
    September 11th, 2009 @ 2:58 am

    I’m not even really sure how to form the words that describe how reading your pages has made me feel. Monica, you are by far the most beautiful writer I know in my life, and I know a lot of people who love to write. Your words have a way of drawing people in so that it’s as if they’re living your experiences right along side you. I cried with you, smiled with you and laughed in all the appropriate places. Over the past few years, we haven’t been as close as I’d like…but when we do talk and when I do get to read things like this, it’s as if all the gaps are immediately filled and we were never apart. You have always been my go-to person. You know all my secrets…the deepest and darkest. And reading this makes me wish I had the courage that you do to share them with the world. I doubt I’ll ever come to that point, but I admire you for doing so and love you all the more. I love you. I truly do. You are my sister and my friend and no matter how far apart we are in the years and decades to come, I know that will never change. You inspire me, Monica Rai. You always have. And I know that so many others will be as touched by this as I am. And with that…I am going to go find me some “f’ing” tissues!! 😛

    All my love,


  2. Aaron and Shanae Jones
    September 11th, 2009 @ 6:33 pm

    Thank you for sharing a bit of your world. I know how those shoes that you currently wear are old, worn-out, and have lost their appeal, but they tell a story of determination, and courage. They remind, and serve you in the weakest of moments. Not intending to create detours, roadblocks, or the occasional speed bump, but your road is a long and treacherous one. So lace em up tight, don’t ever look back, and plow through like you have a statement. Do so because tomorrow can be the best day of your life.

    Other side of Addiction,

  3. Patrick
    September 12th, 2010 @ 2:51 pm

    Monica, your writing is beautiful. It is humbling reading your story.

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