Pages Of My Life

as written October 11, 2010 Things that come to my mind, as I compare (yes I guess compare) my wedding to theirs, and what it made me remember of my own. Her frozen barbie smile, and how distant yet overwhelmingly happy she seemed, and his presence and quivering chin and laughing eyes and huge smile. [...]

October 9th And Stuff

as written October 10, 2010 I’ve been in my heart. Cutting off my head. Don’t want to think. To bring “think” into the thick mix. Feeling isn’t so scary down here in this beating organ, because it is quiet and devoid of any annoying and incessant chatter. But here, right now, my heart is also not all [...]

Fallout

as written September 28, 2010 I watched the screen with held breath, when his beloved asks him for confirmation that he’d never cheat on her, and he remembers the one time he did, and how stupid it was – but that he can’t tell her this. Instead saying, “You’re my one and only.” “As the [...]

A Life’s Work

as written September 5, 2010 I feel the readiness arrive, although my willingness is not entirely in agreement. But it is enough that I must continue on. I need to remember there is no more loss, only release. Only an opening, a portal, an opportunity for the love and joy and growth that await – even at the [...]

One More Dance

as written September 1 through 4, 2010 9.1.11. When I’m in the present moment, no outer sources of emotionalizing get to me: movies, songs, etc. However, when I’m NOT in the present moment, when I’m avoiding my feelings/numbing out, and can’t feel ME, songs and movies and commericals make me feel exquisite grief and it pours [...]

Blueprint

(couple forgotten journal entries that still deserve to be included) as written July 19, 2010 Brent called yesterday, after two months. Only because he wanted the PW to my iTunes account (since I gave him my old iPod). LAME. So fucking lame. Seriously. That’s it. Our conversation was topical, and I felt next to nothing. No desire to [...]

Biggest Losers

as written August 13, 2010 A friend repeated some things their premarital counselor shared, and one of them seemed to make all the cells within my body tingle, exhale, feel validated: In regards to the fact that his addiction affects her equally, “She has just as much to lose as he does.” So as he fights, she fights [...]

The Sweet Pang

as written July 23, 2010 returns.. Yesterday, I did a couple things. Many, in fact. But, the first (after work) was to drive down to American Fork Hospital to visit my sweet Gabrielle (Brent’s baby sister) and her newborn infant son. She named him Jensen. First I checked her over – she was a tired, swollen soul [...]

Practicing My Own Life

as written June 28, 2010 Insight: Growing up, I had boundaries because of the church, but had none of my own. When I no longer could deal with church, I then had to create them on my own. From scratch. And figure out what violates MY boundaries, sense of worth and self. And what strengthens [...]

Memorials

Memorial Day, 2010 Random thought – when I am in a relationship again, I might have an issue with accepting being cared for…to allow myself to be cared for…it’s triggered by all the resentment Brent built up against me from me asking him to take care of me so much. That I might LEAN into their care [...]

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