Jelly

as written October 29, 2010 So…this love for Adam (since it came back) has grown even bigger around me. I was fighting it…and then Tuesday night happened, which Jen walked me through… until today. I was writing (of course) and I realized that I am powerless over my love for him. I cannot control what I feel for him, [...]

Identify With

as written October 17, 2010 Someone’s phrase today amazed me: “Compare yourself OUT, or identify yourself WITH.” Separate, or create intimacy. Pull away, or pull towards. I’m better than (comparison). Or identify WITH. We compare to enable us to separate; to feed our self-hate (not accepting compliments, feeding shame, they’re better than this better looking than [...]

Brazen Demands

as written October 16, 2010 1st… I’m having a hard time accepting the silence while I FEEL something big going on under the surface, and it’s making me all sorts of verclempt. Blah blah blah. Earlier, when my spirit was still “In Silence” and laying in the current as it carried her along effortlessly…I heard God [...]

The Wayfaring Man Has Been Given Much

as sent October 8, 2010 Even though I had not gone to church in two years, one of my brothers requested of me to play the piano for his re-baptism. I had known him for some time, and loved him deeply – that is usually the way with such intense experiences as addiction. You experience [...]

Fallout

as written September 28, 2010 I watched the screen with held breath, when his beloved asks him for confirmation that he’d never cheat on her, and he remembers the one time he did, and how stupid it was – but that he can’t tell her this. Instead saying, “You’re my one and only.” “As the [...]

Fluency

as written September 28, 2010 An amazing ah-ha as I was talking to my good friend Busby, about how he learned to speak Spanish. The typical and common way for us to learn another language is: listen to the new language –> translate words into english in head –> then take english words and translate [...]

I Would Just Like To Say

as written September 27, 2010 that sometimes, random moments just do me in. I have forged this new path for myself, independent and autonomous; absent is the codependent cravings for men or attention and fine I have become with me, myself, and I (and God. Yo God, what’s up?). But it’s these little things that [...]

In Silence

as written September 25, 2010 As I lay in yoga this morning, the quick picture that came as I went within and searched for her – (my spirit…to see in what state she was at now) I found her. Laid out, not tiny and small, but in full size as my body, in perfect proportion. [...]

In The Rafters

as written September 14 through 17, conversation between Jen and myself Jen: Anyway, thus are the ponderings of my heart. Much remodeling or house cleaning is going on in my heart and in my mind, where the damned expectations live…just trying to let the Lord do his thing, and do my thing. Thoughts, observations, suggestions? [...]

The Ugly Dance

as written September 7, 2010 Liiiiiight bulllllllb! Realizing that I’m carrying a belief that if I did emotional recovery perfectly, it would somehow make up for all the behavioral imperfection/adjusting I am participating in/not ready for. So, as usual – as FORREEVVERRR I (out loud, as W. instructs) forgave myself for this – expecting perfection in emotional recovery [...]

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