Brazen Demands

Posted on | January 25, 2012 | No Comments

as written October 16, 2010

1st…

I’m having a hard time accepting the silence while I FEEL something big going on under the surface, and it’s making me all sorts of verclempt. Blah blah blah. Earlier, when my spirit was still “In Silence” and laying in the current as it carried her along effortlessly…I heard God tell her, as she was debating on whether or not to sit up and look around yet:

“You’re not going to want to miss this, Lily.”

And so, she decided to sit up and pay attention to see what was going to happen.

2nd…

Friday, I went to Adam’s softball turny. He randomly asked me to go, and I wanted to. While in the bleachers, I kept looking at this pretty, blond woman. Finally…in a lurch in the pit of my gut, I remembered her. Brooke, the girl I knew 12 years ago…who lived with the family of that boy. In all this time, I have never come across anyone I knew from that time in my life, from that circle of terrible memories. And yet, there she sat. Since I don’t believe in coincidences, I slid over and talked to her. She remembered me. And then, completely on her own – recalled how creepy and terrible and awful that boy was. How she heard such awful things about him, and never liked him. Is it funny that her saying that, without provocation, made me feel better? Made the 19 year-old me sigh in some age-old way…that she really wasn’t crazy. That really and truly there was something so horribly wrong with him, that could make him capable of the things he did. I looked at her, and just nodded.

And then smile in that grim, slightly sadistic way that knows and wonders just what the hell THAT’LL bring up in me now! What demon from the deep is awaiting…or maybe it’s simply the ability to put that demon to rest. It just sucks seeing any of that fucker still alive in me. We’ll see. I WANT ANSWERS! Ha. And I’m not even abashed for my brazen demands.

Anyway – later Sunday night I listened to Brene Brown’s webinar, “The Gifts of Imperfection.” SHE IS AWESOME. She’s all about shame resilience and has many, many years in the field of recovery and shame topics. I learned much and felt validated that once again, truth is truth is truth, and we all come to it by different means – but we all say the same thing. I loved it.

Am I having expectations? HELL YES I AM. And I demand an answer. Powerlessness be damned. I hate being left out of the loop. And oh well that I’m fighting it. I FEEL the big-ness of it all, but I don’t have a name or sight for it.

Fuck.

AND I realized I don’t swear as much anymore. Not sure how I feel about that. :)

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Category: Emptying The Cavern, It's all about the Feelings, Share the Love

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