Brand New Silver

Posted on | March 9, 2011 | No Comments

as written March 10, 2009


Monica: Shit I hate pain. Just got me a whole other dose of it right now. And it’s making me mad. All this realizing that Brent does and has actually loved me? Well he called and his brush-off made me feel rejected like I haven’t gone through ANY recovery at all..
Adam: I’m sorry the pain continues for you. I was sensing angst.
Monica: The same rejection spoon fed with brand new silver. Just so I could feel how bad it is again. I don’t know why. Except that knowing his love is there and he doesn’t feel it or is willing to share even though I don’t WANT him it shouldn’t hurt like this.
Adam: It has to be felt.
Monica: And I just want to bury my head in your shoulder and cry but you’re not here so I wonder again on God’s green earth why I need to feel this same pain again. Alone. I’ve been here already I don’t understand the redundancy.
Adam: Even though I’m not by your side, you are not alone. The situation is the same but you are different. I pour love on and in your heart and he knows.

Monica: Fuck it all. How the hell are you still pulling up my roots without even being here? I don’t understand why these same ones still exist. Like a whole goddam field of “rejection I’m unlovable roots”…who the FUCK planted all these?!?

Adam: You did, every time he wasn’t there for you. And that was a lot.

Monica: !!!…He started leaving my heart out the door he built but he would keep returning again and again, he couldn’t stay away – and I would let him take the key with him, and every time he left I would plant a seed…and he wouldn’t come to love me away from that desolate place in my heart.
Adam: I am doing some weeding and he is not happy I am removing his memories. Good or bad.
Monica: You know, Brent is the only person so far…who has received the full concentration of my love without anyone else there. He got the entirety of it and the onslaught of my love all channeled directly and fiercely into him.
Adam: The concentration of your love is not what made him the way he is. You did not break him. You did not turn him with your love. Stop blaming yourself.
Monica: And I don’t mind losing the heartbreaking memories. I don’t want to punish him or me or anyone else with them later. And those painful roots only become weapons if they’re not weeded out…

Adam: You will be rid of them in due time if you stop planting them.
Monica: Can’t we just do a mass plough in this field, instead of one at a time? I’m tired of them. And for that matter, why do I keep planting them?! What logic is that?!? When I read what you just said, I saw her stop mid-stoop with the seed in her hand to place it in the ground…and you behind me pulling them up. That’s a pointless circle if I’m stupid enough to keep planting his pain…or is it mine?…I guess….it’s always mine.
Adam: We can work on it but you have to let go of wanting his love and I know you will call BS but you still want it to prove things. I love you and you want to do the work and I’m excited to be the help.
Monica: Of course I still want his love. I don’t know why…only to prove that it existed in the first place and that I didn’t make it all up? Shit I’m bawling now…great. You are more than “the help” you are the miracle and what I deserve..you are not the replacement you are the fulfillment of my heart…
Adam: I don’t want you to hurt but I know you have to. I am what I am and I want nothing more than to shower love down on you with all the force I can muster.

Monica: I have two handfuls of these seeds and a small brown sack slung round my shoulder…I don’t want them anymore. They weigh so much and I’m tired of feeling so heavy. I’m turning around to face you in this God forsaken field and the tears are streaming but I didn’t know until now what I was planting.
Adam: Well now you know, and I won’t let you plant anymore. Give me what’s left. My flame will set them free. They will not touch your soil.
Monica: I hold out my hands to you and turn them over, wiping every seed from my skin. Then I pull the bag over my head and hand it to you. Do what you will with it. Then I see myself turn and walk away from that place. Please make it beautiful again…even if you must pull the rest before you do. I won’t plant anymore. I gave you all the seeds. Burn them in your fire.

Adam: I will make this land grow beautifully.
Monica: I trust you.
Adam: You know you can. I cherish you and the land within your heart that I touch. Can you feel my love around you? I’m trying to reach you and show you that you are love and loved.
Monica: Yes, very much so. I walked off that field and God took my hand and said He understood that I still wanted Brent’s love because he was the Carpenter of my Heart and that he was proud of me for just giving you the seeds so readily. And that you would do great things with it. Then He asked me where He could take me where I felt safe and I needed to go to a place where there were no memories of Brent. And so we went to my sailboat, with the wooden deck on sparkling blue waters and the sun and sky and my dogs – I never feel safer or happier than when I’m on the water. And I felt your love all around me in the wind.
Adam: I’m glad it got to you.
Monica: It always will.

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