Biggest Losers
Posted on | November 26, 2011 | 1 Comment
as written August 13, 2010
A friend repeated some things their premarital counselor shared, and one of them seemed to make all the cells within my body tingle, exhale, feel validated: In regards to the fact that his addiction affects her equally, “She has just as much to lose as he does.” So as he fights, she fights as well, just in different ways. What we hear about “He lost everything,” applies just as equally to her as it does to him.
I recalled what my friend Coo said on his return from a convention he attended in Texas…that a big focus there was on honoring those that had walked the path with them. How they so often put their brothers and sponsors on pedestals but negate the honoring of their spouses and families, who had been with them this whole time. And especially the spouse who has also herself entered into recovery…
like me.
But I have not been honored. I have not been appreciated by my addict. I have been (with all intents and purposes) forgotten. And that made a dull ache ooze it’s way to the surface and I felt anger and sadness.
I accepted it when Brent was literally unable to see me, appreciate me, be with me, love me. Now, I suppose…like my thought with Adam…there might be some who simply choose not to even though they are able to.
Wow. That’s a whole other level of acceptance. A different face of rejection? One hidden in the shadows? Because it’s easier for me to accept that a disease incapacitates one to be able to do something…but when you’re healthier? Entirely capable of seeing me/loving me/appreciating/honoring me and still don’t?
What does that mean?!?
I suppose it means…I don’t know. I know that not everyone has to like me, but maybe I feel that everyone does, on some level, loves me. And what if they don’t? Are there people who just won’t love you? Even though they CAN? And what does that say about THEM?!
Because Brent has two years clean and sober. Living recovery in his day-to-day life. And I am just as invisible to him as I was when he was deathly sick in his disease.
And Adam – who loved me more powerfully than anyone I’ve yet known, who went deeper and further and launched intimacy in ways one could not even dream. And now, who treats me so invisibly, avoiding eye contact to the point of ridiculousness, and not even hearing me when I speak. Like I am dismissed somehow, and it’s infuriating. At this point, at least. And he is entirely CAPABLE of going there again. Like, seriously, is it REALLY THAT hard to turn around in your chair to acknowledge my existence on the mother-fucking PLANET!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ok. Sounds like I need to do some forgiving of this.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN THEY CAN, AND THEY SIMPLY CHOOSE NOT TO. Is this still their shit, then? Does it still have nothing to do with me? I’m sure the answer is yes.
Free agency, I suppose. But FUCK THAT OLD MAN UP THE BACKSIDE!…Sigh. Everyone has choice, and when healthy and capable, then you are the one choosing, your disease is no longer choosing for you. So I guess, there are some who simply don’t want to love me? Is it pride that makes me think that’s the most stupid idea in the world? I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to love ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Do I just need to respect their choice not to?…and not try to find the answers why?…
Because, bottom line, if you are able to love and choose not to, then there’s still something going on inside YOU. Because if Love is Christ and He is everywhere, then as we become more like Him our ability to love ALL will go right along with that. And I’m not talking relationship-love here, I’m talking about love for the sake of love because you exist. The love of friendship, plain and simple. The love of honoring the path someone has walked with you, even if you can’t love them as a friend. There are ALWAYS levels of love.
Maybe it’s simply, still…that when I love myself enough, it won’t matter whether someone is unable to love me, able to love me but doesn’t, or anything in-between. I would still be fine. But today, I’m not. And I guess…if there are always levels of love, I’m just on a level of love for myself that’s somewhere in the middle. I’m working it out, sweating out my codependent fat. Biggest Loser on her way to something better.
Jen: Okay, so my thoughts are this…I don’t know that its YOU that Brent and Adam have turned away from, as much as the relationship. That relationship was diseased, to some extent, as far as yours and Brent’s was concerned, and there could be a fear that returning to that relationship would be too hard to not return to old patterns. Monica, my dear, Brent is healthier now, but just like addicts have to turn away from unhealthy friendships, their instinct is to turn away from old relationships that were diseased – and rather than re-create a new one with the same person, it seems easier to just turn away from it.
You were the closest person to Brent, so it was easy to overlook, or look past you, almost not even differentiating the separation between you and him. He wants to forget the horrible pain he caused you, and leave that person behind (him/you) and embrace the new him, which he builds up from scratch, separate from you. It’s one thing to go forward and develop new relationships with healthy boundaries (hard) and another thing, completely, to go back to a relationship that had unhealthy characteristics and recreate it.
What I still struggle with, (and you probably do, too) in the Brent and Monica picture, is his inability to acknowledge you and your pain, your recovery and your contribution to his recovery. That is like nails on the chalkboard to me. BUT, that being said, I think it speaks to the fact that Brent is in recovery…a work in progress. He will, someday, be able to acknowledge all of this, either in this life or the next. But as of yet, he is trying very hard not to look back too much, I believe. To stop, turn around, and stare right in the face of his beloved wife whom he betrayed, hurt, and lied to, and then turned away from and didn’t acknowledge, would be overwhelming and would leave him so full of regret, that it would shake his still-fragile well being, his sense of himself as being an okay person, his very recovery. He needs to be much stronger in his recovery, much more solid, to be able to do that. He hasn’t gotten to that layer, that point, that level of strength, to do it yet. BUT, I would also venture to say that until he does make amends to you, his recovery will continue to be undermined by his failure to do so. That is HIS problem. Not your problem. But it is your pain…
Now, let me say what I think about Adam. His inability to look you in the eye is the most powerful acknowledgement of your presence, as well as the most powerful acknowledgment of some emotional issue or barrier that he has yet to overcome. I don’t know his situation well enough to say what that is, but I do know that it takes EFFORT to not look at someone. There is something he can’t acknowledge or deal with. And he can’t avoid it or ignore it if he is with you, or lets you into his heart, because you operate on a level of honesty that probably would scare most people who have something they don’t want to deal with.
You can choose to feel abandoned by them, or you can decide that you are blessed and being spared a relationship with someone who is not ready, or right for you. TRUST IN THE LORD, who is guiding your life and your relationships. There is a reason for all of this, in spite of the fact that it is painful to you and feels like rejection. I am telling you that is NOT rejection…it is something for your good!
Brent owes you an amends, but you don’t have to dwell on thoughts that you are unlovable, unworthy, or unimportant because he hasn’t yet offered it to you. Adam is not being honest and open enough with himself to be with you, because you will see it and call him on it. These are not the men for you, right now. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO BELIEVE. This gives you an opportunity to shore up your recovery by overcoming the urge to dwell on those things. You are amazing, beautiful in every sense, and have the most pure, beautiful love to give. I believe that God is sparing you from these men who won’t be able to give you as much as you are willing to give, and preparing you for something incredible.
Monica: Oh Jen…thank you. It’s a ton of emotion that I’m processing, reading your words/inspiration/honesty, and I thank you for it. You are right on in so many levels. What I am grateful for, is that I don’t FEEL rejected. I just don’t know if I had another word to describe it – but it doesn’t FEEL like that for me. I feel frustrated because they don’t want this gift that is ME. But I don’t feel abandoned or rejected…THANK GOD. And interestingly enough, there IS pain, but not much of it. Aches, shivers running through occasionally of a quieter pain, but it’s not inhibiting or excruciating in any sense of the word. Again, I am grateful for that as I look to see how I’m feeling. I think you’re exactly right about it all.
W. (my therapist) felt like Adam has had a window or opportunity to be with me. An opportunity that he could take, if he so chose not to stay in his fears. And at this point, that window is closing. I have felt it, too. I feel the change around me, and I’m okay with things moving in whatever direction God takes me. She feels like it will be soon, his decision to open up and love or the decision to let me pass by, and that I will know when this is. Then she said this…”There is someone waiting in the wings, who will not waste any time in coming into your life. Someone refined. Someone able to love, today. Someone who chooses to love.” So either way – I will be loved. Either way, there will be change and things to face. Either way…I will be okay. 
Jen: Oh, honey. I feel strongly that what your therapist says is true. I’m so excited for things to unfold, because I agree with her that no matter what happens here, you WILL find love and happiness, and it will be worth the wait. I also am impressed that the feelings of rejection are absent from your heart now. This means you have obviously risen above the deception the adversary tries to play in our hearts! I can only hope that I can achieve that kind of victory, and no longer let myself fall prey to that. You are a great example to me! Change is good. YOU are great…
Monica: God? Please help me to believe that.
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January 15th, 2012 @ 12:31 pm
So last week, me and hubby had this amazing experience where we reached each other on the deepest levels and I felt like I could trust him again after years of addiction, betrayal, mutual codependence and emotional abuse…it was beautiful! but the next day, when we were talking about it, he said he didn’t feel that as deeply as I had and preceeded to spend this past whole week, blaming me, disrespecting me, being irritated at me…it didn’t make any sense! Now it does- he can’t see me without seeing the past pain and that pain is stronger than the love he has for me. It’s not me! I am not crazy! I do not have to feel rejected…or not enough…and it is so freeing. You & the women you surround youself with are goddesses of wisdom! I love your insights of eternal truth!