A Slow Glacier
Posted on | January 3, 2012 | 1 Comment
as written September 8, 2010
The pain of this is moving like a slow glacier through me…tearing even the scar tissue as it moves its way out of me…down, down until it leaves my soul. My body. My…
Suddenly, I no longer stand bound to Brent. I stand, holding hands with the Master…and that is all. There is no one else. But my bond with Him is stronger than it even was before. Brent, is simply no longer there. I’m not trying to analyze it or see what it means with rules and where my covenant actually went…all I know – is that He’ll take care of it. Because I gave it to Him.
I am not through processing this. Every time I skim across the words, the glacier moves. Inches toward the inevitable. And my eyes fill and the emotion lodges deep in my throat; threatening to overcome me. And I try to sit deeper into it, allowing it to pass. Enough time spent screaming “You shall not pass!” with my powerful staff, preventing my emotions their time to ravage my heart and then leave. The small stone walkway between my subconscious and my consciousness is now allowed travelers (feelings, thoughts, memories) to cross. I won’t stand in the middle and deny entrance, anymore. I will fall into the abyss with them, and down, down we will tumble…where I surrender all. And suffer all. Until I too, have left the gray behind me to become White.
Last night, driving home, I tested my ability to be present. Not quite there, like I’m dipping in and out, tasting the air, the water…and too skittish to settle down…into myself. That’s okay. I’ve since forgiven myself for the attempt at emotional perfection, and am okay with the process of progression instead. It feels like another layer of relief. And I am grateful for it.
But as I drove, the song “This Time Around” from the Elizabethtown soundtrack came on, and I heard the words. “This time around, you can be anyone. This time around, you can do anything. This time around, you can be anyone.” And I felt the untouched canvas of my life in front of me…no color or texture. Not even a whisper of a path. Just…available. Ready to be created. I am starting again, with no responsibility, no burden, completely free to choose the next path. Nothing holding me back.
For the first time, it’s just me and God, facing forward in my life. Everyone else has been surrendered, until the crowd thinned and almost disappeared. My sealing; my life’s work was the last member in this room. And I have given it to Him. And He has accepted it.
I can be anyone.
Who do I want to be? Just, honest. It quickly flipped through my mind the options of the masks I could choose, the utterly different lives I could now lead. But I only wanted one.
Me.
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February 9th, 2012 @ 10:03 am
Sometimes when I read what you write, I just have no words to say… Your path is so different yet mirrors my own in so many ways…You verbalize what I feel, but don’t know I feel until I read it…its like the feelings are in me, but they have power and come to life when you write them. I’ve accepted my life and all that is me and when I read this today…it occured to me that I would not want to do any of it differently. I would choose to be me again
) Its a good place, isn’t it?