A Jazzy Kind Of Love
Posted on | February 18, 2012 | No Comments
as written November 17, 2010
Smitty, Adam and myself headed to New Orleans to staff a tradeshow for work. So, the small distance between Adam and myself – that was making it impossible to get over him – which, on a daily basis (about 20 feet between cubicles) now shrunk to a 10×10 confined space. We sat there, all day long, all week. Tell God you want to take accountability for your problems? Tell God you don’t want to be plagued with unhealthy behaviors? Guess what. He’ll shove you in a tiny space so your issues can crap all over themselves with nowhere to hide.
Hi love! So I’m sitting in the booth by myself, as traffic is SUPPPEERR slow and Adam and Smitty have a webinar to do and are back at the hotel for a while. So far: It’s been relatively easy. Really easy, actually. I’ve tried to be distant but not un-engaged, just trying to “turn away” every moment I need to. So far, my feelings haven’t changed one bit. And I’m a little pissed about that. I think I’m looking to force that, because I NEED something to change, since I can’t DO any more, myself. I keep telling God, “Take my feelings take my feelings take my feelings.”
Do I need to tell God that if He doesn’t want to take my feelings for him away, then I need to accept that? I DON’T WANT TO CONSIDER THAT, Jen. It makes me so weary I want to…crawl under my booth table and sleep until next year when SURELY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD something will have changed.
Anyway – he’s been very kind, engaging, sweet, funny, hilarious, continuous eye-contact, personal jokes, etc. etc. He’s taken care of me when I’ve drank a bit the last two nights. In short – he’s been a friend. Which is saying something, because he hasn’t even BEEN a friend to me in any sort of way for a long time. I’ve not allowed myself to analyze it or look deeper, because truly – this is simple friend stuff. Nothing more. But despite the easiness of it so far, I haven’t allowed myself indulgence in feeling TOWARDS him, if that makes sense. I’m still turned away. And it’s like HIS energy has swept up around me in some ways. But I’m not turning. I’ve even plucked myself up and moved further away. But – it’s been bearable. The only couple times I’ve had a rush of uncomfortable emotion is when I invited him down to my hotel room two nights ago, and he declined. Still no rejection, it was more of – “Who the HELL would turn down a chance to spend time with ME?!?” Lol. But I did decide that I wouldn’t ask him for the rest of the week. And I’ve stuck by that. And I can DO that much.
Last night though, he called for me and I went (can only do what I can do) and all we did was fall asleep together. As I slept, I had the most uncomfortable dreams about being so ANGRY at him. I woke up and moved away from him instinctually because I was SO MAD from the dream. The dream was all about being angry, and telling him how angry I was, telling him to OWN it – how it was never “us” or “our” or “we” but always just him. And he continued to do what he’s always done, which was to not choose me. The details of the dream escape me, but…I kept telling him to OWN his feelings, because I felt that he wasn’t. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. I told him if he couldn’t OWN it, then to leave, or I left, or something. But I was SO ANGRY. And you know how hard it is for me to feel anger. It was liberating as much as it was scary. And right before I woke up…he came back. I don’t know what happened, but I had closed the door and then he came back, showed up behind me, silently.
I realized that I might still not feel safe enough to feel my anger consciously, but my brain SURE as hell feels safe enough to feel it in my dreams. Processing through what I need to. But my dreams have been full of anger the last week, so I’m just trying to let it be. But I was SO PISSED when I woke up, and left in a bit of a huff. Lol.
Now I’m nursing a slight hangover (it IS New Orleans, for Pete’s sake) – and I’ve had a lot of fun traipsing around Bourbon Street and the French Quarter, eating good food, listening to good jazz, and seeing more titty bars (15 in a few blocks!!!!) with 3 dudes. 
I’m glad these guys haven’t even considered going in one of those. The women stand outside of the doors, hawking their “wares” and free cover charges. Adam has never been interested in that stuff, and none of them have made me feel compromised in any way. If they did – I’d be out of there like nobody’s business. Ha.
Anyway – I’m just trying to be IN the moment, on the surface of the moment – not analyzing it on a cellular level. Just topical. Just being. Not thinking or feeling too deep. I think I have to do that this week to survive and to let it be.
Jen: I’m SO glad to hear from you! I’ve been thinking about you! So, real quick, while I have a minute, because I’m buried today – I think that Adam is more able to be attentive and funny and fun and a good friend because you ARE turned away. You aren’t looking his way, or analyzing what he does or says. I need to remember to take a page from your book…buts that’s another email. Adam is so sensitive, he will pick up on that kind of energy from you, and how free and easy he seems, as a friend, is likely because you remain turned away. He senses it, and it enables him to be a friend, without worrying that something will be taken the wrong way.
And I completely validate how exhausting it must be for you! I know you want things to change, your feelings to change. Acceptance is the &$#*&@ key, of course. But when you’re ready. It sounds like you have some anger to release, first…anger at Adam, maybe anger at God, who knows? But it’s in there, and it will feel good to get it out. Anger is liberating, and energizing. It serves a purpose, but only if it doesn’t remain in the subconscious too long. Just remember, anger comes before acceptance.
So I also want to tell you what a HELL OF A JOB you are doing maintaining your balance and well-being under such challenging circumstances! It sounds like it really couldn’t be going any better than it is, considering. You are doing all you can, and not expecting perfection of yourself in this area, and managing to have a fun time while you are there. I really couldn’t hope for more for you this week!
It just occurs to me that your love, Monica, is so big, so intense, that it will take some time for it to be removed from your heart. I feel like God would take it, but your heart won’t surrender it easily. You just aren’t made that way, and it goes against your nature to surrender love. It goes so deep that it has to be very toxic to you for you to be able to let it go. This occurs on levels so deep inside your heart and mind that it is subconscious, even unconscious. So be patient. God isn’t refusing to take it, even though his time frame is ALWAYS in effect. It will just take some time, because Adam isn’t a completely toxic person, and he hasn’t done horrible things to you, and you love so deeply and completely. For it to happen naturally, in a healing way, it will have to take time. Change will come. It always does…we just sometimes don’t see it until after it has arrived. I know that you will find the strength to carry on until the shift comes. Your perserverance is inspirational!
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