The Price To Pay

as written May 7, 2008 There are some nights where my hand can hardly keep up with the teachings that I am immersed in each week at the Ranch. Baptism by immersion, I have always been taught. Well, not only have I been baptized by the fire of my own life, but now – I [...]

He Loves Me Not

as written May 6, 2008 I find myself at an impasse. And so I chose a path that maybe seems too head strong. Too decisive. Too final. But I am in a place where I can no longer proceed the way it is. And since it is that it is that it is, as it [...]

The Day After

The day after The Finding Out, came the most surprising day of all. Peace. The day after my life as I knew it ended, the day after every mirage was shattered and my dreams and my husband strewn in glass shards everywhere I walked… My mother flew into town. She had been planning her annual [...]

Sit Upon Our Thrones

as written May 4, 2008 I have always been taught to liken the scriptures unto myself. The Woman speaks of it often even more. And so, this is what I heard and felt when once again, I asked the question, “How does the Lord feel about my addict?” He answered with his love for all [...]

Mayday

as written May 2, 2008 This month. May. Marks the One year we have dealt with active addiction (outside the denial). Marks the month I would have given birth if I had been able to keep the baby boy in my womb. Marks the birthday of the man before Brent who I gave up. Marks [...]

Sewing Shreds

A poem from the movie, “How to Make an American Quilt” that has always stayed with me.  April 28, 2008. Young lovers seek perfection Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together, and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches. I am learning to see the beauty in the shreds of our love [...]

Cracked The Egg

as written April 27, 2008 Trying to reconcile why I still have deep issues of abandonment and rejection when my childhood was a mainly happy one, The Woman spoke about even if the ‘physical’ aspect of emotional health was given – because my folks did not have the inner, true emotional health in themselves – [...]

The Front Runners

Inspiration given to me through the spirit of God – April 4th, 2008, while at Renaissance Ranch Family Group. Once again, the question was answered, and my many prayers heard: “How do You feel about my Addict?” The Woman told me later, that I was sitting directly beneath the picture of Christ. How fitting, how [...]

Mother Bleeping Shenanigans

as written April 26, 2008 This entry was inspired by the honesty that Dooce.com instilled in me, and was the first public expression of true honesty that I shared with a select few friends and family. I was terrified to press “send,” but I did. Thanks to Dooce for the courage to be real. WORD [...]

No More Adam Sandler’s

as written April 25, 2008 Last night it escalated softly to my breaking point again: “I wasn’t ready to text you,” when I asked why he couldn’t have even texted me after I needed to talk with him. I can’t take it like this anymore. Now he not only can’t stand to be around me [...]

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