The Body of Addiction

as written April 24, 2008 Like a human body with multiple limbs and parts, the body of addiction has differing functions as well. And the deeper one is clasped to addictions’ bounteous, selfish bosom the more these different limbs and systems are affected. The biggest one for me, is the Lying. For many, many months [...]

Musings On The ‘F’ Word

as written April 23, 2008 My sweet mother – “So help me out, I’m trying to wrap my head around your anger and your trucker mouth…” Sometimes, as Dan (one of the boys in the Ranch) said, the ‘F’ word is sometimes the only word explosive enough to assist in the EJECTION of a deep [...]

Starting To Forget

as written April 22, 2008 Spent 5 hours with Brent yesterday. He called in sick from work knowing I needed some time with him desperately. So I went (still riddled with guilt) to get him, where he wanted my body suddenly, and I gave it to him, feeling a little like an object rather than [...]

Softball Blues

as written April 21, 2008 I haven’t spoken to Brent really in forever. And I keep moving, breathing, swallowing, blinking…crying…just trying to slip gently past the rumbling mountains. After texting, he finally called to tell me that he was playing in an AA softball game. I hear jovial shouting in the background – female voices [...]

Emotional Wardrobe

as written April 20, 2008 MOTHER FUCKING BITCH ASS! That’s a good intro to my emotional wardrobe today. When I woke, I bypassed my most recent choices, and went straight for the “expressive” clothing. Today I have on my Bitch Bracelets, Shitty Socks, Furious Pants, and MotherFucking Sweatshirt. I am so angry I could just [...]

Shapeshifter

as written April 19, 2008 Watching Oprah the other day, one of the women on her show said something that echoed in every cell: “I was a shapeshifter, being who everyone else wanted me to be.” It made me think of Mystique on X-Men, who can take on the appearance of anyone she wanted to. [...]

S.P.

as written April 18, 2008 “When we can’t face our pain, we LIVE in our character defects – it’s a diversion, a quick hi-step off the main road of recovery.” -The Woman Self-Pity is my black hole. Almost without choice I am sucked down whenever pain of any kind whispers that she might come around. [...]

The Biggest

as written April 17, 2008 Lately, I have been thinking about the quality of accomplishments most of the addicts in The Ranch have accumulated during their lives. There are some amazing, powerful, successful things these boys have done in their relatively short time here. And the fact that they HAVE accomplished these things WHILE being [...]

My Truth Shield

as written April 11, 2008 So I’m just doodling. Not wanting or knowing where to start. I don’t know which resentments I’m holding on to and which ones I’ve forgiven and let go of. I need to do another meditation, I’m feeling. Some technique to help me push past the fear, the insecurity, the frightful [...]

Ancient Chains

as written April 9, 2008 “Codependency is the disease of incorrect traditions” The Woman says. Incorrect traditions like perfectionism, not validating the feelings of ourselves, our children, our spouses and others. Shaming and intense sarcasm, wounding and judging, worrying excessively and calling it love, and trying to control everything and everyone around us (just for [...]

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