My Heart Was Gray

as written February 29, 2008 Last night at family group, The Woman reiterated some basic guidelines for the newcomers, and then said a couple things that seemed to soak straight through me. I still don’t understand all this, but when she speaks it’s as if after every word leaves her lips, God is striking the [...]

I Stubbed My Toe On God

as written February 25, 2008 Part of me does not even want to write any of this, but the rest of me, the smarter part of me, knows I absolutely must. This has been the next elevator up for us – rather, the crooked and seemingly unending broken missing stairs… We are never closer to [...]

Avert My Eyes No More

as written February 24, 2008 How many times do I avert my eyes from my sweet husband, just because I can’t understand him? Just because I don’t know why he can’t stop doing what he’s doing. How many times do I judge him, how many times do I not look at him? How many times [...]

Sober Living Begins

as written February 23, 2008 Brent stayed in our home while his son was with us. We didn’t want him to be any more confused or hurt if we had to explain us living in separate places in addition to everything he’d already been through. So we “played family” that week. And it felt…both comforting [...]

The Love of a Child

as written February 19, 2008 We had Brent’s eleven year old son with us the week he got out of in-patient. We flew him in with money I had set aside, a whole savings account dedicated to my stepson, because he was so worth it. Because I knew, intimately, the pain it caused my husband [...]

Oh My Beloved Wife

as written October 16, 2007 by Brent. I woke up that morning to find him already gone, but this note was on top of the computer keyboard. I read it over and over again, feeling his love for me and the hope that it brought my soul. I love this man, how I love this [...]

Day 60

as written February 15, 2008 I know I stopped counting. But today I knew the number because it was the last number. Sixty days. And our life is not back to normal. He is not fine. I am not okay. I realize that this number is just the beginning, when I had thought two months [...]

The Day Being Valentine’s

as written February 14, 2008 Today most of the men at my office left early to bestow their women with love and gifts and affection. I made a conscious decision that I wouldn’t hate this frothy pink, tacky commercial holiday – but that I’d show some love to myself, instead of being sad and resentful [...]

The Witch’s Fix

as written February  13, 2008 NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT THAT CONFIRMS MY INSANITY. Family Group was canceled tonight, and I’m resentful of that. Even though it was white-out conditions and our highway was completely shut down. I need this meeting so much, so I am now full of angst and guilt, laziness, impatience, [...]

The Day I Stopped Counting

as written February Something, 2008 I lost count. Someone asked me how many days it had been and I couldn’t remember. THE number was my very identification, our report card, our eternal progress chart, the last thread of my unraveled sanity, our LADDER BACK TO HEAVEN. Oh, the weight of knowing THE FUCKING NUMBER! Well, [...]

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