The Room

Because I make mention of it more than once, and because it has shaped much of me, and because it is yet another truth in the existence of my journey- I share the story of my abusive relationship that happened over ten years ago. The word is tainted now, so that when spoken it only [...]

Truth, Thy Name is The Woman

as written February 7, 2008 The Woman has lived her entire life in addiction. Born into the Gospel. She knows nothing but Addiction, and nothing but the Gospel. She was born into both. This woman has sacrificed her entire life losing all, and learning all. If anyone has paid the price to know these truths, [...]

My American

as written November 19, 2007 Three weeks before Brent willingly checked himself into detox and rehab, this was the end of a rope that had broken many times, and then duct taped back together even more. This was a day when there was no more rope, and I share it as a glimpse into months [...]

God? I Need a Pen Pal. You In?

as written February 6, 2008 The Woman asked us to do this ongoing exercise, in order to 1. start to connect to our feelings, and 2. start to connect to a power greater than ourselves; to a Love that exists for us that we can’t feel or believe in right now (or maybe never did). [...]

Powerlessness To The Extreme

as written February 5, 2008 I took step one so far past the finish line that I delved back into old grief’s and pain and mistakes that I have already dealt with – including my abusive relationship, the loss of my virginity, high school issues…it was like a train wreck I couldn’t stop once the [...]

Day 47

as written February 3, 2008 So Brent and I both feel it’s best that we don’t live together for the entire out-patient portion of his treatment as well. 90 more days. I know that it’s the right decision, because I’m not ready to live with him yet. I am no where near recovered enough to [...]

I Heart Mo

as written January 31, 2008 Came to family group and The Woman announces that my “Sweet, adorable husband left a message for you in the snow!” The boys had come earlier to shovel the driveway, and he had shoveled a message into it. I walked out to see and in huge letters it said I [...]

Yes, Jesus, Take My Wheel

as written January 25, 2008 The question, “How else have I been powerless over…” runs through my mind. I’m realizing other ways I have been powerless, but still tried to control anyway. I knew I couldn’t save Brent or even myself, but I still thought I could be the co-author of his salvation and recovery. [...]

I Don’t Feel Your Tears

as written January 23, 2008 Maybe we try to fix…heal…change (the “Savior Complex”) because everything innately in us, our greatest desire, IS to be like God – so we try, unhealthily, unwisely, codependently – without true charity – and it fails, and thus we are brought to our knees to know we cannot BE Him, [...]

Part Of Me

as written January 21, 2008 So part of me expects that Brent will be wholly able to be exactly like he was when I first met him when he walks out of rehab. Wholly healed, wholly ready to take on his mistakes and make everything all right, including healing me. Part of me still expects [...]

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