Day 32

as written January 18, 2008 There are 3 brothers that run the Ranch, and then there is: The Woman. Her name is Kris. Brent spoke about her in reverenced tones from nearly the moment he was admitted, and my first response was total jealousy. How could this woman earn the trust of my husband in [...]

Porn Angel

as written January 16, 2008 I don’t want to talk about porn. Or email accounts where his verbiage is lewd and someone completely different than the man I married. I don’t want to talk about infidelity. I want to live it even less. But yet, I am. He confessed as I sat with my legs [...]

One Poothie, Please

as written January 15, 2008 My 11 year-old stepson asked Brent a question who in turn asked me. I thought it was brilliant. “Which would you rather do: eat a footlong poodog, or drink a 44oz. poothie?” I thought about it quite seriously. Because, truly…what do you choose when your only two options in your [...]

Day 27

as written January 13, 2008 Today I feel humiliated. I feel like I’ve been made a fool of. Vying for him when he would promise on our marriage that something was true. I knew he was a liar, but when he’d be honest about some other things and promise on everything sacred something else wasn’t [...]

Day 24

as written January 10, 2008 to my Anna. Brent has one month clean today. He is proud of himself, and I am proud of him. Yes, truly I am a New Englander. Just keep it all inside and display a smile. Even with my two best friends, you and Maria, who I have been most [...]

Day 22

as written January 8, 2008 to my best friend Anna. You know what? I knew you were pregnant. As soon as I listened to your first message telling me you had something to tell me, BING it popped in my head like a premature cheese ball. (Whatever that is, I don’t know but it wanted [...]

Day 21

as written January 7, 2008 I can’t believe I felt that way just yesterday. Grateful? If I use that f*&%$ word ONE MORE TIME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IT WILL BE TOO SOON. Forget it all. I’m not tall. I’m a f&*$ing MIDGET. I’m so done… Keep reading…

Day 20 (the Day being my Birthday)

as written January 6, 2008 7:01am: made myself pancakes this morning. And peeled an orange. Brent is so good at peeling the oranges, I hate doing it without him. I don’t eat nearly as many as I should without him. I miss my best friend. 7:23am: Brent’s mom called last night and wants to make [...]

The Finding Out

The events of April 15, 2007: the day I found out he was using. Methadone is the devil’s cough syrup. The Red Horned Man himself slurps it nightly, to put him to sleep from his terrible dreams; to shut out the gnashing and wailing of teeth, of truth that surely must still pain him. Otherwise [...]

Day 14 (the Day being New Years Eve)

as written December 31, 2007 All of this – writing down of pain, stings when you regurgitate it. It comes up, fast; the taste of bile and hate, strong like black words against broken pavement. Throwing up emotion – it doesn’t taste good going down and doesn’t taste any better coming up. But it has [...]

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