Posted on | February 25, 2015 | 1 Comment

as read October 5, 2013


“‘Look, the wind vane fluttering in the autumn breeze takes hold of certain things that cannot be held.’ –Feng Chih.

When we think we are losing our grip, we have good reason to look up. Consider the moon suspended in the sky, how it continues to come and go, follows its natural law, and never really loses face. Consider the sun, the stars, the seasons, how they refuse to abandon us, to let go of their hold on our lives. And, come closer to home, we can marvel at the magic of small efficient things – the toaster and stove, the light in the room, the words in a good book that are permanent, faithful, and clear. We can consider how music, without saying a word, still speaks to us, and how a few friends, maybe miles away, continue to hang on to the strength of our small and faithful words. We can keep in mind that we are part of a complex and loving system, and our grip can never be lost.”

Today’s Gift by Anonymous

Cranberry Bog

Posted on | February 24, 2015 | No Comments

as written October 3, 2013

Cranberry Bog

I missed the fall on the east coast. Desperately. And against the waves of sickness and sadness I drove through the traffic with Nick at my side to watch the cranberries be harvested in Massachusetts. The Ocean Spray commercials were tantalizing, and with everything in me I wanted to see those thousands of little red nuggets bobbing in their fields. After NY and Connecticut traffic, when we finally arrived the harvest was over. I wanted to cry, and did. I could barely find the strength to walk around the half-mile trail through the bog and woods and cranberry fields. The crowds were gone, the field emptied…no little red beauties for me to see. Despair and sickness once again welled up together inside me like old war buddies, and I felt myself losing myself all over again. I sat on the small, cold metal bleacher and tried not to be sick.

When my family finally pulled me to my feet and I leaned into Nicholas for support, the sun broke through the clouds and bathed my face in warmth. And in that spliced moment, I had a quick vision – quision, I like to call ’em – that pop into my heart and mind and then disappear…leaving a memory that has yet to happen and a taste of love grown bigger than it is now. With the man who was holding me up.

The quision showed me dirty little boys yelping and cavorting around a big back yard, while we sat grinning and basking by an outdoor fire. Totally, completely happy. Exhausted, but happy. Were we camping? Maybe. Might have just been a late summer night, with the boys wearing only shorts and dirt all OVER their bare chests, camouflaging them into whatever adventure they were having. It felt glorious – watching my unborn children…exist.

A scene change, and then Nicholas was carrying a baby in a carrier strapped to his chest. Hands on his hips, declaring how manly he was with a baby attached to him. I laughed and laughed…

Then finally, a glimpse of the biggest cranberry of all: our Love. I know without a doubt that our love today is strong and beautiful, yes – but it is merely a starting point from where it is going to go. I know that our love will grow…and experience by experience has the potential to expand beyond that which we could even begin to fathom. I felt a little of what it will be, today…what we will be.

And it made me stop in my tracks. Tears falling again. And feel the faith and hope in the future – as well as for today. Knowing that all of these things, these things we’re going through today – are necessary to grow the love that will become bigger than both of us. Kind of like God’s love, which is absolutely what He wishes for each of us. How I love him so, harvest-gone and all.

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Night Light

Posted on | December 10, 2014 | No Comments

as read October 2, 2013

By artist Leah Saulnier

By artist Leah Saulnier

“‘The seed of God is in us. Pear seeds grow into pear trees, nut seeds into nut trees, and God seeds into God.’–Meister Eckhart.

Often we may feel critical and judgmental about our maturity or personality. When we read we have God seeds within us, we may find that difficult to believe. How can we have the God seeds within us that other people have? It may seem everyone else has more good within them than we have.

Just as we admire certain qualities about other people, so can we admire qualities about ourselves. We need to remember a good critic looks at both the good and the bad. A good critic doesn’t pass judgment, but merely assembles the facts to allow others to make judgments.

The seeds that grow pear trees don’t yield perfect trees. Some of the fruit is ripe and juicy, some is hard and dry, some fruit never matures. Yet the pear tree will be a good tree if it’s tended with care. So it is with us. Every part of us may not be perfect, but with care we can make the best person possible from the God seed that began us.

I can be a healthy, bountiful person if I give myself plenty of care. I won’t give up on me.”

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

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He Speaks For My Trees

Posted on | December 9, 2014 | No Comments

as written October 2, 2013

He Speaks For My Trees

Dear Lord, I come before you to ask a question: What story would you like me to tell? What story am I supposed to tell?…I feel the pull back to the writing of the book I’m supposed to write (from the story told through my website) seeping back through my thoughts and heart – knowing you want me to continue with it. But the work is massive; a tome well over a thousand pages long. I don’t know what to cut out, what to edit, and what to keep. What to fill in…I don’t know what story to tell.

What I do know is this: My story was the story of a young woman losing all to find her Source in the vastness of what was lost. She found You. She let you in. She faced herself.

Most of the posts seem imperative to the story, and it’s hard to take out a bunch and then make sense of the one that comes much later without all the context. I don’t know where to start or especially where to stop. I am scared to ask you the question. Maybe I am scared of the answer. Lord? What story do you want me to tell? It’s bigger than myself. So knowing they’re my details…I hand over this work to you. I hand it over because it’s what it means that’s more important. It’s what shines through the story, so much bigger than the words – that matters. I give my will to you in this. I give you the whole project, the book, the novel, the memoir, the painful rebirth. It is yours to do with as you will.

What wilt thou have me do?…

Read it through. And without judgment or questioning, cross out what feels like it needs to be – through my spirit. Do not look back, just read on and simply cross out what I direct you to. And then, once that is done, you will re-read, and the story will reveal itself to you. You will not see it until then, and therefore this will be an act of faith, my sweet one. Faith is a big part of your life right now, and I need you to exercise it even in this – even in the significant portions of your story. It is an act of trust, that you have in me and in my great plan…knowing I know what is best for all.

Leaving out some of the pieces will not take away from the power, nor will they be forgotten – you will always remember, and so will we. What needs to be offered, through you, is something different than you can know, today. But I know. Trust in me, drink the faith water, and my Light will guide you. It will be plain – do not doubt, simply obey. Faith, is something that is practiced. You are practicing, especially today – trying to find that peace to help you through the end of a sickness that I promise is not meant to remain. It is on its way out – do not despair…trust your body. Trust me. Find the faith that you are clinging to so fiercely. I am at your bedside. I am within you, feeling all, I know it is hard. But the dawn cometh with Hope on her winds…get outside to breathe it. The deeper your faith, the more swiftly will this depart – and not regress.

Thank you, oh Lord God…my Brother. Thank you. I am trying…

So I will print out the manuscript, as is. And do as you say. I will exercise this fleeting, rusty faith, and hold on until the dawn. Forgive me, God…I feel weak.

And so I am here to make you strong. And carry you, until you walk again. As I always have done…as I always will. Follow the ideas that course through you, my beloved. They are of me. They come from me. And you are capable of all I ask, and all you have always wanted to be. Leave some room for me, when your days fill, and we will always grow the trees of your heart. We love you. We miss you. We are here, guarding and protecting, sustaining and healing, comforting and calming, emboldening and strengthening, loving and loving and loving. 


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Posted on | December 2, 2014 | No Comments

as read October 2, 2013


“My amazing HOYH sisters,

I’m reaching out to you all at this time to ask for your help. Monica, Founder and rock of our program, who we miss so much since her move to the east coast, has been sick for the past few weeks, and has been very slow to recover. It appears to be something intestinal that she is expected to recover from, but has lingered far longer than was expected. As you can imagine, It has been incredibly discouraging and difficult in a new city, without known healthcare providers and without being fully settled, yet, in such a big city. She’ll be ok, eventually, but it’s taking a long time and it has been very draining, physically and emotionally.

I’m letting you know this, because, in the past, Monica has encouraged us, as a group, to extend our prayers on behalf of others who are in need. Many of us have been a witness of the healing and comfort that comes when we exercise that power.

At this time, I would like to ask all of us to come together and remember Monica in our prayers. The power of prayer knows no distance. There is no reason for her to feel alone during this difficult time, because she is not alone. Let us wrap her up in our hearts, so she may feel the warm comfort of the love and protection of her sisters. While she may have limited ability to respond to actual messages, she will feel it and will welcome it. (Sending her thoughts and prayers in your heart are perfect. Or, feel free to reply to this email or send your own message.)

I love you, Monica!  This will pass. Give your body some well-deserved rest and nurturing and don’t let guilt prevail. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you heal. You are a strong, HOYH woman! You will feel that way again, soon. And more importantly, you are not alone, my dear sister and friend!

(Dolores says she misses you, and hopes you have stopped puking!) sorry, Dolores felt like she had to make a vomit reference…weird. 😉

With much love,

Jen (and Dolores)”

Letting yourself be loved, especially when in need, is an act of bravery as well as humility. The texts, letters, emails and notes I received from my community brought me to tears and helped lighten the impossible load of darkness that I had been trying to carry alone. I had experienced such a support years past, and found myself the recipient again because of Jen’s thoughtful, loving request. #ThePowerOfPrayerChangesLives #MineWasSavedAgainThatDay

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