The Decision To Doctor

Posted on | September 29, 2016 | No Comments

as written October 23, 2013


Dear Lord…

It has been four weeks, four days and some-odd hours since I have been beset by this sickness. Add to that another two and half weeks before that feeling not-so-good, and we’ve got nearly two months of this. After trying as hard as I had inside me, and much more…it got worse a couple days ago. You know, you were there. So I have made the choice to see the doctor…because I don’t know what else to do. I feel afraid of going…of failing you, myself, and using the money you gifted me with on this instead of living expenses. I am sorry. I am scared of what might be wrong with me, what if they find nothing, what if I’m dying…I’ve never been this sick before. It rides on the coattails of losing control of everything else in my life. It has brought me to the brink of my sanity so many times I have forgotten what happiness and joy and movement is…I know that the ability to believe I’ll get well and the hope that sometimes filters in is simply a crucial gift from thee. Lord…I am afraid. Did I do something wrong, here? Or did I just need to go through all of this before finding what will make me well? What if nothing will make me well?

My sweet Lily of the fields…today is the day where these fears are put to rest. Once and for all. You have learned more than you could have if it had happened any other way. I promise you my love, despite your imperfect belief and faith (because your all is enough, and you have given that to me day in and day out, through the long nights throughout all of this) that today you will see that this can have its end. The lesson is not about the healing…it is about the path to that healing. It is about all you have proven to me through this seemingly endless time of suffering. Be not afraid, my cherished one – hope is around the corner. Do you believe that you will heal, my love?

Yes, I do. Somewhere past the enormous fears, and the terrifying stark reality of having experienced something I never have before – how it has unhinged something inside me that I cannot control…there is that little bright seed. But Lord? I cannot eat…I cannot move…I cannot find joy or happiness or the faith that actually is enough to conjure true healing…I feel like I have failed having faith.

My love. While I honor your feelings, I do not honor fear – for fear is false, it is a lie, as is the sickness that claims your body still. But I am God, and I control all…no matter its hold. No matter its power. You have found yourself lacking, but my sweet one – I will always make up the rest. Your faith’s power lies in its ability to access Me, and my power overcomes all. Even and especially when you cannot even imagine it. Even, when you feel so far away from success that it seems a mere dream; a dream that is too painful to even remember or recall at all. Your darkness has been profoundly deep, but I, even the Alpha and Omega have descended below them all. And it is upon my mercy, my atonement, my hope, my faith, my power – that you shall rise. Let yourself be carried, let yourself be lifted up.

Monica Rai, it is my power still that works through modern medicine, it is I who inspires the doctors to care for my children beyond their mortal capacity to be inspired. Your illness is not some foreign, unknown, untreatable maleficence. It is a means to an end, it is a vessel to carry you to me. You are here, my sweet. And I know you don’t know how to believe that, in this moment – when nothing has seemed to abate the symptoms and restore your robust and strong health. They will know how to heal you, my love. They will know how to treat you – through my power and influence. I orchestrate all – even the care of your meekest ailment to this kind that has attacked your very sanity and will to live.

Not all faith should be based on past experience, my love. Some faith, like this, needs to be based on what you could not even possibly imagine…what you have yet to experience. I shall always take care of you. I shall always provide for you. I shall always, make a way when no way was seemingly possible. In the name of Jesus Christ, my only Begotten Son, I bless your mind to be cleared away of doubt and suspicion, pain and punishment, despair and depression. I bless your body to be healed to its rightful state through the blessing and miracle of modern medicine, which all comes from me. I bless you to be free of fear of what they will find or not find – that you might know it is my will that you be free from this tribulation – and that you be free of the fear that it will return…I bless you to trust your own body which has carried you your entire life – has provided for you for your entire life, and will continue to do so until you are called to meet your Maker. I stand as a shield against the immensity of your fears, that they might not take themselves out against your weakened vessel – thereby strengthening themselves in their fight against my Love, mercy, and grace. I am God, even the prince of peace, who carries you. Fear has no place within me, and I declare that you shall not be punished by them anymore. Can you let them go, my sweet love?

Yes…I release them.

That is all that is required of you now, my love. You have lingered in the land of faith and belief for many weeks now, it is time for answers. It is time for recovery. It is time for you to be well. I have always provided a way, and I always will. I bless you with my strength of body, that you might travel to the doctor and be sure of frame and mind, to explain adequately and thoroughly the symptoms which have waylaid you. I bless you to be fit and strong enough to obtain the medicine you need, to accept the clear answers of those who care for you and to heed their advice. All, will be provided for. Insurance is indeed a wonderful thing, my love – but it is not more wonderful than I, for it is I who carries you. I will make a way, where a way could not be seen by you – or your family or friends who are unable to accept that. Insurance is not the answer, I am. Do what is needed, do what is required, do what you feel you need to – I am by your side, I am in the voice of the practitioners and in their steady hand, I am in the love of your fellow men who bestow it upon you, I am everywhere and I am everything. Say goodbye to the darkness, my love. The Son is here. I stand by your bed, in sleep and in wakefulness. I bless you to feel no more pain, no more hopelessness. Today, we rise, my love.

Do not despair, for I am here. Trust in this day, and all shall be revealed. I bless you with alertness and clarity, with a disappearance of panic and stress – that others’ stress may not exacerbate your symptoms. This, shall be no more. And we have done this together. I needed this time with you – unrivaled, focused time so we could get to the other side. It is here we stand, my love. Not as a punishment, but as an eternal preparation. It is done. Let us move forward…

I am here, every single step of the way. I carry you…feel my presence in your very cells, in your bones and mind and heart and hands. Your patience and your faith has grown immeasurably. I am always astounded at the pace at which you internalize and maintain the lessons I prepare for you to learn. Always, my bright student – always wanting to learn, to grow, to become better than that which you were before. Enough learning, today, my one and only. My Champion. Time to be healed. I love you. What you are and where you are, are always, always enough. I promise to make up the rest. Be still, my brave one. The light is come.

Jehovah, Abba, & Mother

In Hiding

Posted on | September 27, 2016 | No Comments

as read October 11, 2013

in-hidingIf you want to be found, stand where the seeker seeks.–Sidney Lanier. “When does a good program turn into a bad program? When it becomes a hiding place. As adult children, we are good – no, ingenious – at finding hiding places.

Sometimes we hide behind our work by staying super busy. We hide in prayer itself – behind sweet-sounding words. We can choose to always be tired so we can hide in sleep. We can hide behind any of the “helper” roles by fixing others so we never have to fix ourselves. We can even make our program a hiding place by going through the motions, saying all the right things, but never really encountering ourselves. If we want to be found, we have to come out where somebody can find us. Your work is to commit to the following: I will identify my hiding places and make conscious decisions about choosing them or not.”

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Where am I hiding? Am I hiding in this illness? If that’s true, then I don’t even want to know what scares me enough to keep me here, sick and tired and hopeless. And that admission, in and of itself – is enough to keep me here longer. Sigh…

Change Me
–Ruth C.’s Prayer

Change me, God,

Please change me.

Though I cringe,


Resist and resent.

Pay no attention to me whatsoever.

When I run to hide

Drag me out of my safe little shelter.

Change me totally.

Whatever it takes.

However long You must work at the job.

Change me – and save me

From spiritual self-destruction.

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Help Me

Posted on | November 30, 2015 | 2 Comments

as written October 10, 2013


Dear Lord…

What is wrong with me??? I thought I was getting better, and then last night happened. Worst hours in a week. Am I really getting better? I am giving everything I have to choosing faith over fear, and I am stronger than I was a couple weeks ago. But…this morning I wake up and I don’t want to trust my own body. Fear. Am I getting better?…

Yes, my sweet. Your body is indeed knitting itself back to full health, with my aid. Sometimes ‘setbacks’ aren’t really setbacks at all, but just the process of healing. Healing in all forms can come in waves, just like grief – as you well know.

I am trying. I am fighting for myself and for the higher truth with everything I have…I don’t have any more to give…

I know, my love. I know all too well. And I tell that in that place of grace, is where my body, through the sacrament of my sacrifice – steps in and carries you. If you cannot trust your own body perfectly, you can trust Mine. For I carry you. Did you think you would not need me again, my love? Faith is needed in your life, in big ways.

I am angry at you for making me learn this lesson this way. It’s so unbearably hard. I can’t fight this looming depression well and I can’t live my life to get outside of it. I feel weak and needy, unwell and a bit abandoned. I feel angry and hopeless, even amidst the faith I have been building. I cannot do this any more, Lord…

My Lily. You ARE doing this. You are enduring. You are leaning into me, and you are exercising the faith I wish for you to embrace. You give yourself and your will to me again and again, and you acknowledge that I Am King – your prince of peace. Your everlasting Father. Your Counselor. I feel your emotions and I validate them, but even more do I validate that you have accepted this reality with meekness and humility. I will stave off the self-pity, my sweet – and I will make up all the rest of what you are not able. I would not have invited this lesson for you if you were not able to bear it. But even so, it is temporary – it is not permanent. Already, you have felt the strength in your body and that healing that has been happening. It will continue…be not dismayed by the slow pace. Faith is a slow process, but it will not be slower than you can bear. 

I do not want to harm my body by not getting the proper care for it – you know how much I respect and try to honor this vessel you have gifted me. Even without health insurance, I don’t care if it means my body is hurting and needs help beyond what I can give.

Do you trust me, my love?

I am trying, God. I am trying with all I have.

The answer does not lie in quick acting medicines or procedures, Monica Rai. It lies in Me. And in your patience, faith, and trust. I know this has lasted longer than almost any illness you have thus far endured, and I know your searching of pertinent medical diagnoses to calm your troubled heart and even more troubled mind. I understand this need, and I do not judge you for it. I know you are giving me your best. I know you are wanting to promise feats of behavior and even old desires of perfectionism if I but heal you – but love, this is not a punishment. This is a lesson. I do not require perfection, I require your faith. Your trust. Your obedience. I would desire, your love. And I have that – I have that in spades, my love. 

I do not feel home anywhere…and I haven’t felt well enough to create a homey space for me here in Long Island to help ease my depression and encourage productivity…I cannot DO ANYTHING TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, and it’s killing me inside. I do not like it here, I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t like Brooklyn either…I don’t know why we came…I can only lay there and watch my muscles atrophy and my hope struggle not to snuff out.

Physical muscle can be rebuilt, as you have done countless times and as you will do again. This, was a time of building your faith muscles and nurturing your spirituality – both with me, and with Nick as a couple. That is the muscle you have been strengthening, for it was weak and ‘atrophied’ and needed tending to. And in my great wisdom, I knew you would not address it in the manner that it needed. So I provided the opportunity for you to do so. I recognize that this is one of the hardest trials you have faced – mostly because in addition to everything else changed in your life, and you controlling nothing – your body and health is also affected, the last thing you have that is your own. But your body is mine, it is gifted to you – and you needed to re-learn this lesson. It is a lesson of the acutest kind, and it will not last long. I know it feels like it has been an eternity already, and that you cannot recall what it is to have a healthy body to live your life. But I do promise you this, my Lily, my brave soul – it is lessening. It will not be as unbearable as it started out as. It will continue to abate, little by little. Do not push yourself, physically. Let your body have the time it needs to knit together once again. Know that the moments of feeling unwell will also abate, they will not remain, and they will continue to be of less frequency and duration than the last. I needed you to reach to me, today. I needed you to know, how desperately and deeply I love you. I needed you to know that I am preparing you – not punishing you. There is a vast difference. You do not need punishing, Monica Rai, you need championing. And we stand all around you, doing so.

Your inactivity and seeming unproductive hours and days will start to have meaning, will begin to make sense to you and you will start to feel the significance and symbolism and holiness this time is meant to teach you and give you. We are here to minister to you – listen, feel of our presence and our communication, feel of our support. You are in a holy sphere, Monica my Love. Embrace it. Lean unto it, unto us – in your want. You have been submitting to this in greater and deeper ways each day. You have shown great faith by going with your father great distances to visit your brother, who sore needed his family. You show great faith by going back to my sweet daughter L’s home, which she has lovingly opened to you to share. It might not be your home, but it is a home in which I am welcome. And that is what you need most. Not your own place where you can isolate and be alone, but here – you are surrounded by my Spirit and by women who love you. I validate the difficulty you face of feeling split and stretched, unable to surround yourself with your own beautiful things. But my Spirit is more potent than that, and it is that Spirit that I wish you to embrace, rather than the belongings that have comforted you so much in the years previous.

Yes, this is a terribly difficult lesson. But it has slowed you down enough to keep you here – rather than running away, which you have been trying to do. Stay put, my love…and feel of me. Partake of this love and comfort being offered you. I love that you gave your father the opportunity to bless you, more than once. Heed those words. Heed the faith he has in his marked and powerful ability to access me while laying his hands on your head. Your body will tell you what it needs, do not be afraid to nourish it. It needs those things in order to continue healing.

My darling girl, this too, shall pass. And when it is over, you will have changed, even now – you are greatly changed. You will not forget how this changed your heart, but you will forget the physical particulars of this trial. This is good in my eyes, for your body will be needed — it is needed to carry and bear the children who are waiting for you. A time which looms very close indeed. This in-between time, albeit hard and difficult and pronounced in its potency of lessons — will be short. You will move on to where life is calling you both, starting out a new journey in a new place. I bless this union of yours, and I bless how hard you are both trying to look to me during this time. It strengthens your bond, your love, and your yoked faith in Me. How I love you, and love you, and love you…my darling Lily. You come to me, when you are heavy laden, and I shall give you rest. Be well, I bless you to knit and heal faster and faster, that you might reap the blessings of obedience and of the miracles I deign to bestow upon you. You are my miracle, and I will heal you. Be still — and know that I am God. We love you.


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Posted on | February 25, 2015 | 2 Comments

as read October 5, 2013


“‘Look, the wind vane fluttering in the autumn breeze takes hold of certain things that cannot be held.’ –Feng Chih.

When we think we are losing our grip, we have good reason to look up. Consider the moon suspended in the sky, how it continues to come and go, follows its natural law, and never really loses face. Consider the sun, the stars, the seasons, how they refuse to abandon us, to let go of their hold on our lives. And, come closer to home, we can marvel at the magic of small efficient things – the toaster and stove, the light in the room, the words in a good book that are permanent, faithful, and clear. We can consider how music, without saying a word, still speaks to us, and how a few friends, maybe miles away, continue to hang on to the strength of our small and faithful words. We can keep in mind that we are part of a complex and loving system, and our grip can never be lost.”

Today’s Gift by Anonymous

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Cranberry Bog

Posted on | February 24, 2015 | No Comments

as written October 3, 2013

Cranberry Bog

I missed the fall on the east coast. Desperately. And against the waves of sickness and sadness I drove through the traffic with Nick at my side to watch the cranberries be harvested in Massachusetts. The Ocean Spray commercials were tantalizing, and with everything in me I wanted to see those thousands of little red nuggets bobbing in their fields. After NY and Connecticut traffic, when we finally arrived the harvest was over. I wanted to cry, and did. I could barely find the strength to walk around the half-mile trail through the bog and woods and cranberry fields. The crowds were gone, the field emptied…no little red beauties for me to see. Despair and sickness once again welled up together inside me like old war buddies, and I felt myself losing myself all over again. I sat on the small, cold metal bleacher and tried not to be sick.

When my family finally pulled me to my feet and I leaned into Nicholas for support, the sun broke through the clouds and bathed my face in warmth. And in that spliced moment, I had a quick vision – quision, I like to call ’em – that pop into my heart and mind and then disappear…leaving a memory that has yet to happen and a taste of love grown bigger than it is now. With the man who was holding me up.

The quision showed me dirty little boys yelping and cavorting around a big back yard, while we sat grinning and basking by an outdoor fire. Totally, completely happy. Exhausted, but happy. Were we camping? Maybe. Might have just been a late summer night, with the boys wearing only shorts and dirt all OVER their bare chests, camouflaging them into whatever adventure they were having. It felt glorious – watching my unborn children…exist.

A scene change, and then Nicholas was carrying a baby in a carrier strapped to his chest. Hands on his hips, declaring how manly he was with a baby attached to him. I laughed and laughed…

Then finally, a glimpse of the biggest cranberry of all: our Love. I know without a doubt that our love today is strong and beautiful, yes – but it is merely a starting point from where it is going to go. I know that our love will grow…and experience by experience has the potential to expand beyond that which we could even begin to fathom. I felt a little of what it will be, today…what we will be.

And it made me stop in my tracks. Tears falling again. And feel the faith and hope in the future – as well as for today. Knowing that all of these things, these things we’re going through today – are necessary to grow the love that will become bigger than both of us. Kind of like God’s love, which is absolutely what He wishes for each of us. How I love him so, harvest-gone and all.

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