Night Light

Posted on | December 10, 2014 | No Comments

as read October 2, 2013

By artist Leah Saulnier

By artist Leah Saulnier

“‘The seed of God is in us. Pear seeds grow into pear trees, nut seeds into nut trees, and God seeds into God.’–Meister Eckhart.

Often we may feel critical and judgmental about our maturity or personality. When we read we have God seeds within us, we may find that difficult to believe. How can we have the God seeds within us that other people have? It may seem everyone else has more good within them than we have.

Just as we admire certain qualities about other people, so can we admire qualities about ourselves. We need to remember a good critic looks at both the good and the bad. A good critic doesn’t pass judgment, but merely assembles the facts to allow others to make judgments.

The seeds that grow pear trees don’t yield perfect trees. Some of the fruit is ripe and juicy, some is hard and dry, some fruit never matures. Yet the pear tree will be a good tree if it’s tended with care. So it is with us. Every part of us may not be perfect, but with care we can make the best person possible from the God seed that began us.

I can be a healthy, bountiful person if I give myself plenty of care. I won’t give up on me.”

Night Light by Amy E. Dean

He Speaks For My Trees

Posted on | December 9, 2014 | No Comments

as written October 2, 2013

He Speaks For My Trees

Dear Lord, I come before you to ask a question: What story would you like me to tell? What story am I supposed to tell?…I feel the pull back to the writing of the book I’m supposed to write (from the story told through my website) seeping back through my thoughts and heart – knowing you want me to continue with it. But the work is massive; a tome well over a thousand pages long. I don’t know what to cut out, what to edit, and what to keep. What to fill in…I don’t know what story to tell.

What I do know is this: My story was the story of a young woman losing all to find her Source in the vastness of what was lost. She found You. She let you in. She faced herself.

Most of the posts seem imperative to the story, and it’s hard to take out a bunch and then make sense of the one that comes much later without all the context. I don’t know where to start or especially where to stop. I am scared to ask you the question. Maybe I am scared of the answer. Lord? What story do you want me to tell? It’s bigger than myself. So knowing they’re my details…I hand over this work to you. I hand it over because it’s what it means that’s more important. It’s what shines through the story, so much bigger than the words – that matters. I give my will to you in this. I give you the whole project, the book, the novel, the memoir, the painful rebirth. It is yours to do with as you will.

What wilt thou have me do?…

Read it through. And without judgment or questioning, cross out what feels like it needs to be – through my spirit. Do not look back, just read on and simply cross out what I direct you to. And then, once that is done, you will re-read, and the story will reveal itself to you. You will not see it until then, and therefore this will be an act of faith, my sweet one. Faith is a big part of your life right now, and I need you to exercise it even in this – even in the significant portions of your story. It is an act of trust, that you have in me and in my great plan…knowing I know what is best for all.

Leaving out some of the pieces will not take away from the power, nor will they be forgotten – you will always remember, and so will we. What needs to be offered, through you, is something different than you can know, today. But I know. Trust in me, drink the faith water, and my Light will guide you. It will be plain – do not doubt, simply obey. Faith, is something that is practiced. You are practicing, especially today – trying to find that peace to help you through the end of a sickness that I promise is not meant to remain. It is on its way out – do not despair…trust your body. Trust me. Find the faith that you are clinging to so fiercely. I am at your bedside. I am within you, feeling all, I know it is hard. But the dawn cometh with Hope on her winds…get outside to breathe it. The deeper your faith, the more swiftly will this depart – and not regress.

Thank you, oh Lord God…my Brother. Thank you. I am trying…

So I will print out the manuscript, as is. And do as you say. I will exercise this fleeting, rusty faith, and hold on until the dawn. Forgive me, God…I feel weak.

And so I am here to make you strong. And carry you, until you walk again. As I always have done…as I always will. Follow the ideas that course through you, my beloved. They are of me. They come from me. And you are capable of all I ask, and all you have always wanted to be. Leave some room for me, when your days fill, and we will always grow the trees of your heart. We love you. We miss you. We are here, guarding and protecting, sustaining and healing, comforting and calming, emboldening and strengthening, loving and loving and loving. 


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Posted on | December 2, 2014 | No Comments

as read October 2, 2013


“My amazing HOYH sisters,

I’m reaching out to you all at this time to ask for your help. Monica, Founder and rock of our program, who we miss so much since her move to the east coast, has been sick for the past few weeks, and has been very slow to recover. It appears to be something intestinal that she is expected to recover from, but has lingered far longer than was expected. As you can imagine, It has been incredibly discouraging and difficult in a new city, without known healthcare providers and without being fully settled, yet, in such a big city. She’ll be ok, eventually, but it’s taking a long time and it has been very draining, physically and emotionally.

I’m letting you know this, because, in the past, Monica has encouraged us, as a group, to extend our prayers on behalf of others who are in need. Many of us have been a witness of the healing and comfort that comes when we exercise that power.

At this time, I would like to ask all of us to come together and remember Monica in our prayers. The power of prayer knows no distance. There is no reason for her to feel alone during this difficult time, because she is not alone. Let us wrap her up in our hearts, so she may feel the warm comfort of the love and protection of her sisters. While she may have limited ability to respond to actual messages, she will feel it and will welcome it. (Sending her thoughts and prayers in your heart are perfect. Or, feel free to reply to this email or send your own message.)

I love you, Monica!  This will pass. Give your body some well-deserved rest and nurturing and don’t let guilt prevail. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you heal. You are a strong, HOYH woman! You will feel that way again, soon. And more importantly, you are not alone, my dear sister and friend!

(Dolores says she misses you, and hopes you have stopped puking!) sorry, Dolores felt like she had to make a vomit reference…weird. ;)

With much love,

Jen (and Dolores)”

Letting yourself be loved, especially when in need, is an act of bravery as well as humility. The texts, letters, emails and notes I received from my community brought me to tears and helped lighten the impossible load of darkness that I had been trying to carry alone. I had experienced such a support years past, and found myself the recipient again because of Jen’s thoughtful, loving request. #ThePowerOfPrayerChangesLives #MineWasSavedAgainThatDay

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To Be Poured Out

Posted on | December 1, 2014 | No Comments

as written and received October 2, 2013

October HOYH 2014

Oh, Monica. You picked such a day to share with me your struggle, and the beautiful redemption that comes to you from God, as you pour out your soul. YES… you need to grieve, all of it. You have walked away from a very hard-won, comfortable safe-haven. It has been a place where you could progress and heal in safety. As you healed, you became strong enough to strike out into open water, knowing that new, important levels of progression and happiness are to be found, but will take time to find. You ventured out with someone who wanted similar things, and had similar courage and commitment to you and this journey with you. To realize the expectations you may have had, subconsciously, will serve you well. Recognize them, and discard them.

Here is what I know…when I went from working full-time to being home full-time after my third child was born, I experienced something very similar, on a smaller scale. I had so wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, for years I yearned for it. I knew it was absolutely the right thing. But without the structure and demands and identity that came from life as a working mom, (didn’t even realize those were a factor at the time) I floundered. Depression loomed, and not just baby blues. I know it wasn’t just hormonal, although that had to have been in play. I know it was more than that because that feeling of being lost, not having the structure, wondering why I wasn’t enjoying what I had so wanted all this time, then beating myself up for not loving it. To be honest, that depression followed me, sometimes right on my heels, sometimes a distant shadow in my rear-view mirror the whole time I was home. For 4 years.

Granted, I was in denial and married to an addict in an emotionally dead marriage – that made it worse. But I didn’t have any of the tools I have now. I just felt ungrateful, guilty, unproductive, frustrated, and sad. I know it isn’t the same, but I know the feeling of life changing drastically in a way that you have been seeking, then being frustrated at being sad about what you had lost or given up, so that you can’t enjoy having what you wanted. JUST GRIEVE, Monica. You are right. That is the crucial next step in this process. You can do that without it meaning you made the wrong decision – because you didn’t. I think there are times when we struggle to feel love that we have for others, because other emotions are drowning it out. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there. You will come back to it, if you choose to come back to it and if you are patient with yourself while you work through your grief.

Oh, Jen…thank you for your response to me…it feels so good to have my connection with you in this way restored. To be validated like only you do. To know I am not alone. Today, after two days of finally feeling better, I feel unwell again – and it makes it almost impossible to remember what it’s like to be healthy, to move freely and have a life outside of being ill. I am desperately trying to accept what is, and just trying to breathe through it. I always get better…I always get better…I always get better…I need to keep chanting. Keep me in your prayers, as I will keep you. I love you.

Monica, your example helps me so much. Thank you for validating my loss and grief, while in the midst of your own. I hope you know that I completely validate yours. I will continue to pray for your recovery. You do always get well. You will this time, too. But don’t blame yourself for being sick. Give your body the time it needs – she is reeling from all the changes. This illness is lingering far beyond what it should, or what you expected. I’m so sorry, and the helplessness and frustration of that is so difficult to bear. But whatever it is your body needs right now, feel justified in giving it. Rest, nurturing, patience. It isn’t weakness. It is mortality. We are human. We get sick. This isn’t something you should feel like you can always control. Trust God in his care for you.  

What about this: With your permission, I would like to send an email to our HOYH women, inviting them to remember you in their prayers, as you have been sick and the getting well part is slow…we all love you and it costs us nothing to summon the Lord’s blessings on your behalf. It draws us together in purpose and love. Never not a good thing! You have given us that example when you have asked us to pray together for a woman who is struggling with something. This time, it’s you. Let me know how you feel about that. I so love and miss you!


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The Hope Of Lighted Pillars

Posted on | November 30, 2014 | No Comments

as continued from Cross Country Grief – October 1, 2013



I am besought with these flames, and dragged under with the weight. I cannot do this without you. Without the framework I once had, I don’t trust myself in any way. I am overcome with fear and am doing everything I can to harm myself and keep myself isolated and alone and unsuccessful. I can’t engage or be present or find my way out of this. I need thee…oh I need thee…every hour, I need thee. I want to trust myself again. I want to feel my excitement and joy and anticipation and be able to engage in the life I am now living. I’m not living, Abba, I’m just existing – in fear and wanting to take flight to escape. I want to trust myself. So that I can trust Thee and the choices I’ve made and be able to move forward in faith, not in fear. I need thy help. Are you there?…

Always, my Eastern Light. We have always been here, and we always are. We hear you. We see you. We reside with you.

Thank you…thank you. Can you help me trust myself? I don’t know where the distrust came or why, but only that it did and it is paralyzing my life right now. I want to move past it – I want to let go of the grief of the life I left, and embrace the truth of my own abilities and possibilities with thy care and help and guidance.

That is what I have been waiting to hear, my sweet. Tender times require an inner bravery that you are displaying, today. We have been with you, each day and each night, knowing that sometimes you could not feel us. Yet still, we stayed. Because I promised you I always would. What I can give you is this, sweet soul…I trust you. I trusted you with the knowledge to know it was time to move on. trusted you with the purpose for which you were born, and to which you move towards. trusted you with the confirmations of direction and engagement; for those areas in your life in which you have grown, in which you leapt into the unknown, and in which you always found your way through – no matter how hard. trusted you with the answers you sought, in companionship and location – knowing your sensitivity would discern them even when you could not feel them. trusted you with gifts that are so sacred in nature, the mere fact that you have them tells you how deeply and profoundly I must trust you with them. To use in the inspired places and times in which my Spirit dictates you to. And you have never failed me, there. You do not fail me, my sweet girl…you are finding your way. Let me be your structure and your frame, let me show you the lighted pillars that are so much stronger than wood – to hold you up. To give you the sight you need in order to re-trust yourself again. You do…it is there…it is just simply a bit lost right now. I will re-orient yourself to self, in a Light that shines in all darkness, that you will see even in your dreams – which have been so dark, of late. 

I will heal your body of sickness and weakness, and I bestow upon her my Love, my Peace, my Hope…and my Joy. Wrap your fingers around these pillars, my love – my Champion of my Heart…and feel the strength they pour through you. In me, you will always find yourself, again. Because I am here…within you. You invited me in, and here I will stay

All the open space terrifies me, Lord, I don’t know what to do with nothing around me. It paralyzes me, and sweeps in a depression I am afraid of and afraid to feel. I see myself uncurl from the huddle on the ground – and I see myself sit up, stand, and place my hands on the brilliant pillars…they are warm and love buzzes through my cells like a live feed and lights up the haze and night and fog. It helps the wind blow it away…but I am afraid of all the space I will see, without knowing my place in it. Afraid to walk through it, afraid of what I will find, afraid to succeed and afraid to fail.

Time, my love. And faith. Right now, your faith is placed in the negative – in the darkness you feel. You do not believe in hope, right now. You believe you will see darkness and uncertainty. That feeling is not a fact, sweet one. I am the light and the life of the world…all worlds. Darkness has no place within me, and wherever I am, it cannot be. Be with me, walk with me, that you may see the clouds depart from your eyes – because it has been an illusion and an untruth. But you are not an illusion, and neither is my love for you. For you are mine, and none that the Father hath given me shall be lost. You are found, and always will be. 

Thank you…thank you…thank you…

Now it is your choice, Monica Rai. Your choice whether to remain in the isolating confines of depression and fear, or to embrace the light I offer and the support I am prepared to give. Your natural man longs for easy control and numbness, so I challenge you to submit to your higher self, to your spirit who is so aligned with me – for she always walks in light. She walks in faith. She walks with the easy gait of a heart who trusts herself; simply that she is Mine. She is worthy of all things blessed and hopeful and the abundance she radiates from within. Her easy grasp of determinedness will be infectious to your sorrowing heart. Lean into her. Submit to her. Trust, her…and in doing so you will feel me again. You will feel yourself; and the fierce bravery and ability that flows from all that you do, wish, dream, and desire. Do not be afraid to be her, to be yourself, in all the glory and splendor I created you to be. You are my creation, and I trust you to honor it!

As thou sayest, Lord…I am thy servant and thy daughter. I wish to obey. I will obey.

Darkness and depression serve no purpose for you but to keep you locked and alone. Do not heed their whispers. Heed my voice alone, and those who speak for me and with my heart. Trust the unknown, for it is known unto me. I am the great orchestrator of your Life, and marvelous things are in store. Look to me, look to the promptings in your heart, and all will be revealed. You must simply be open to receiving it. Home is where I am, where your heart is…remember it cannot be contained in only one place. Let it be free, as you are, now. Know that I love you, my one and only…Breathe it in – hold me tight – and open your eyes.

I love you.

Abba and Jehovah

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